Then.
On the eve of her 49th birthday, she lay in bed wondering what had happened to her drive and enthusiasm for life. The tears kept her awake, as did the heightened awareness that she wasn’t happy, her experience of life one of feeling trapped.
She lay awake for hours shocked by this realization.
Some time in the middle of the night, she whispered to herself that she would do whatever it took to feel better; to cause a breakthrough for herself. She was so very good at doing it for others, and it was time to turn that attention and care to her Self.
This was hard for her to admit, given that her work was all about helping people enjoy a greater experience of life. She’d been using all the techniques and tools she’d learned over the years, but nothing had made a lasting difference.
That was me, April 14, 2012.
I had entered my own personal hell.
A year passed, and I turned 50.
365 days had gone by since that dark night of the soul, and while I’d made some changes, things were still looking pretty bleak. So much so that I was actually considering therapy and/or drugs to help me get through this phase, which seemed to have become my life.
That’s when I asked myself one very important question:
Are you willing to do whatever it takes to get through?
YES.
I felt that YES flow through my body like an electrical current.
Yes. I would do anything to feel free of the dark cloud that hovered over me.
Yes. I would do anything to once again feel love and freedom in my life.
That YES changed everything.
And the following truths came through, becoming a non-negotiable road map to getting unstuck.
8 Non-Negotiable Truths to Getting Unstuck
1. Trust yourself.
I had to stop looking outside myself for the answer, and I realized yet again, it doesn’t matter how good the coach or technique is if you don’t trust yourself in the process.
That takes getting out of your head, and into your body.
You’ve got to notice how your feelings, your choices and decisions show up in the physical. Close your eyes and feel where they live in your body, and what they’re trying to tell you. You’ll feel a difference that is unlike any external reference.
Becoming more self referenced is a direct route to feeling more free in life.
“The most courageous act is still to think for yourself. Aloud.” – Coco Chanel
2. Become a yes.
As I practiced dropping into my body, I began to notice how good a YES felt, and I wanted more of that! I began to pay attention to when something felt like a yes vs. meh, and I began choosing yes more consistently.
Once again, this information is stored in your body, not your mind. A hell yes in the body feels so much more invigorating than a hell yes in the mind.
As you get clear on the difference, begin consciously looking for the YES in your body. It’s your direct access to the source of your energy.
“I want freedom for the full expression of my personality.” – Gandhi
3. Focus on feeling better.
It often felt like I was losing myself in the swirl of emotions and judgments of my mind. Creating any kind of goal from there was pointless, as I just couldn’t get it together to follow through. I can be kind of driven though, and had a hard time letting go of my goals, until I felt I had no choice.
That was a very good thing because it forced me to focus on feeling better, and the sweet relief of that was indescribable.
Toss your goals list, or at the very least, hide it away until you have the resources to look at it with a fresh perspective. Your only goal should be (yes, I said should) to feel better, and when you focus on that you’ll see and feel results much more quickly.
“Freedom is nothing but a chance to be better.” – Albert Camus
4. Give up your end goal.
Giving up goals is a tricky thing, right? Especially those big hairy audacious goals that we’re encouraged to create.
Go big or go home. Play a bigger game. And other bullshit calls to action.
Fuck. Them. All.
As soon as I did, I could actually imagine taking an action. And even if the action made no sense in that moment, it was still a move towards feeling better. See #3.
“I let go. Lost in oblivion. Dark and silent and complete. I found freedom.” – Chuck Palahniuk
5. Explore new territory.
Einstein nailed it when he said doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result was the road to insanity. Unfortunately, that was a road I was on for months, but when you’re stuck in a spiral of negative thinking and feeling, seeing anything new is almost impossible.
Until you hit the wall, and in a fit of desperation try something new.
Oh my God, new never felt so good. New had a profound impact that rocked my world and gave me some much needed perspective.
New included:
- Experimenting with juicing
- Celebrating 50 with a tattoo
- Facing my fear of water
- Retreating for 3 weeks to be with myself
New territories. New actions. One after another.
Combined with #3, you can’t help but feel freed up in ways you can hardly imagine.
“We must be free not because we claim freedom, but because we practice it.” – William Faulkner
6. Ask for help.
This is not my forte. I’m the one that people come to for love and support, and it is crazy how hard it is for me to ask for help when I need it – but I knew I wouldn’t get through this alone.
So I asked, and nearly threw up from the anxiety that tried to choke me as I asked.
And I asked again, and again, each time noticing it was a little less painful. Each time noticing how quickly people said yes to my requests, how willing people were to help me. And I cried like a baby, feeling so much gratitude.
You have no idea what’s available until you ask. You’ve got to take a deep breath and do it.
Let people contribute to you, and then, let yourself receive the contribution, and love.
“Now that she had nothing to lose, she was free.” – Paulo Coelho
7. Get the right kind of support.
This required telling the truth about some things I didn’t want to face. When I did, I began to notice who could support me in the areas I was struggling with. This made it easier to make specific requests, and I was blown away by how quick people were to respond.
“The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.” – Gloria Steinem
The key is asking the right people for the right kind of support.
The folks who squash your dreams, and tell you to get over it? Do not share your needs with them while you feel vulnerable. Ask the ones who love and support you; the ones who’ve been waiting years to contribute and make a difference in your life.
8. Dig deep.
I’ve been on this personal development path a long time, and I thought I’d dug deep before. Imagine my surprise when I discovered there was still some unexplored terrain. I resisted this at first, questioning everything I knew, wishing for an easier to way to get through this, considering therapy and drugs to numb the pain of feeling stuck.
- I should have been able to stop myself from getting here.
- I should have asked for help sooner.
- I should have been able to get through this on my own.
The litany of self-recrimination was long.
“Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes.” – Gandhi
Until the day I said, FUCK IT. I’m going deep to get to the source of this and I WILL get through it.
That was the turning point.
Followed by the realization that you can swim on the surface of your issues or you can dive deep.
Deep can be terrifying and uncomfortable. Deep can feel like facing the dragons within. But the payoff of going deep is an undeniable, even palpable letting go of the past.
The payoff is returning you to choice.
Choice is always empowering.
“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” – Viktor Frankl
Now.
So there I was, 50 years old, considering what I wanted as if for the first time, and two words came to mind. . .
In that moment I knew, I was ready to do whatever it took to keep myself on that path.
That was a goal worthy of the rest of my life, and one that called to my soul.
Following that call unleashed my freedom, and returned me to my Self; the self that somehow got lost in the work, marriage, and commitments. It was this self I was longing for, but no matter what I did that year I simply could not find my way back to her until I paid attention to my yearnings.
Following that call led to my energy and enthusiasm returning as I surrendered to putting myself and my needs first. Surrender was not easy for me but it made space for love and freedom as the clearest intention I’ve ever known.
Following that call led to an event that led to a training that led to working with a mentor who calls me to be not just the warrior I know well, but also the tender heart of the feminine that wants to leave you with the experience of being cherished.
My intention in sharing this part of my life is twofold:
1. I want you to know I understand. Too often in the personal development world what’s presented is a veneer of looking good, and that’s not helpful. Life is never handled, and the journey never ends, but it may take you ’round the bend to a place you hadn’t expected. There is hope there too.
2. I am intensely passionate about this commitment to love and freedom, and I have become unapologetically focused on the Freedom Sessions as the way forward. This coaching journey is like nothing else I’ve ever gone through, and it’s what delivered me from the hell I’d been feeling to where I am now, more myself and alive then ever before.
I now have one clear intention – to unleash your freedom in those areas of life that hold you captive.
That is what I’m here for.
Over to you:
Which of these truths resonates with where you are right now?
How would unleashing your freedom make a difference?
You’re going to change some lives with this blog post, Sandi. Thank you for your honesty. None of us has life totally handled, and I’m getting sick and tired of the people who pretend they do. Give me reality, authenticity, honesty, hope, inspiration. And you are delivering it in spades right in this one blog post. I got shivers — the good kind — when you talked about the warrior and the tender heart of the feminine. It takes both — the sacred marriage — and then watch out, world!
Beautiful, vulnerable & powerful. Gave me goosebumps!!!! Thanks for sharing so honestly Sandi. I absolutely loved the line “Life is never handled, and the journey never ends, but it may take you ’round the bend to a place you hadn’t expected.”
Carol Hess For so long I couldn’t imagine the warrior and the tender heart co-existing, but that’s when I feel most alive, so I’m happy to say goodbye to that old belief!
And yes, it’s one thing to talk and write about transformational work, but unless you are walking the journey yourself it can land as intellectual noise vs. making any kind of meaningful difference which is what I want more of.
Brilliant Sandy, absobloominglutely brilliant. For some strange reason, and yes I accept my weirdness, but I’m reminded of the movie the Matrix when Neo holds up his hand to stop the bullets and they literally fall on the floor in front of him. I see this as your matrix moment and raise my glass to you in salute. Champagne corks popping on this one my sweet.
RandiS That place ’round the bend holds some gems if we’re willing to go there! Thanks for your comment and sharing dear Randi.
ElleSommer I happily accept the phrase Matrix moment and raise my glass in appreciation of you Elle!
xo Neo
Sandi Amorim They sure do Sandi! There is beauty in the fact that life is never handled, because once you realize and accept that, you stop trying to fix yourself and control everything around you and you can drop the pretense that you’ve got it all together. To me that is freedom!
RandiS I felt a rush of energy as I read this Randi! Pretense is exhausting 😉
# 8 Sandi. Healers can be pretty tough on themselves. How many times have I unearthed an issue only to say, Haven’t I been here already?” Someone once told me the journey is not a straight line or even a line at all but a spiral. It seems we are at the same place but we are one level higher (or deeper, as you prefer) on the spiral. The scenery looks similar but it’s not the same.
Lori
Lori Whoa, I love the reframe to a spiral because it does feel like each time we revisit an old belief or story about ourselves we come at it from a deeper place. And you’re right, no matter how many times I revisit, it’s never the same!
Just brilliant Sandi – i now “get” where you are coming from with your new work. I felt puzzled over the last few months and now the pieces are all sitting in place.
You are inspirational in your willingness to be vulnerable and to love unconditionally in equal measure. Powerful! x
KateBacon Ahh Kate, thanks so much for those kind words of support. It’s been quite a year, and this work made the difference when little else did. It also feels more heart-centred, which for me is a really good shift.
We need to re-educate the whole world. People are so focus on the product, the result, the end point, and what they don’t realize is that there is no end. All of life is PROCESS. Things may result from our actions, but we never arrive. It’s both frustrating and exhilarating. I think about the challenges that have come my way over the past little while, and while they haven’t been easy, they have been satisfying, heart-centered, and growth oriented.
I’m not always successful, but when I find the ability to be thankful for my troubles, my heart and depth of learning expands exponentially.
Sandi, The road I am on is paved by a gentle loving spirit that takes leaps and bound ahead of me. . . you. How lucky I am, how incredibly blessed I am to know you are there!
Sandi, The road I am on is paved by a gentle loving spirit that takes leaps and bound ahead of me. . . you. How lucky I am, how incredibly blessed I am to know you are there!
P.S. I am a YES!
Ellen Berg Well said, Ellen! I keep forgetting that whole process vs. result thing. And your reminder was perfect timing.
Having just recently moved to Portland because I needed to do what ever it took to be happy, I can totally relate. There is still some excavation that needs doing tho and your pist reminded me not to stop for too long and believe I’ve reached my final destination. Tremendous story-sharing!
Ellen Berg There are many phrases that speak to this, but unfortunately they’ve become cliche and so we no longer pay attention.
Look for the silver lining. Every challenge has a gift. etc.
What this work has shown me is the truth at the core of these cliches. I think also, if it’s not immediately obvious, most people don’t do the work to get to the good stuff. It really is an excavation of your psyche to mine the gems, and as you said, when we do this work it is satisfying, heart-centred and growth-oriented. That is worth the effort!
Carol Hess Ellen Berg Yes, we create results while processing. Always processing in one way or another 🙂
MelissaReyes Thank God we’re all on this journey together Mel!
tsilvestre Always in process, as Ellen Berg said, and that’s a good thing because it means we’re alive and growing. It doesn’t mean we can’t relax along the way which is why some people resist, like if we’re always moving we never rest, but that isn’t true. Coming to a full stop is dangerous in that it can lull us into a false security, which I can relate to the past couple of years.
Looking forward to hearing about your move and transition to Portland Tea!
Appreciate you sharing your journey. And your 8 truths. Great guiding principles. I love the adventures that take us to unexpected places. Sometimes they can be surprises and other times specifically sought for, and more often than, not unexpected surprises. I totally relate to Ellen Berg. I’m part of a process where surrender is a big part of it. #4 giving up the end goal is resonating with me right now. ·The perceived need and/or feeling of holding on
is an illusion. Creating life situations by the decisions that are made are
inevitable. Consequences are also inevitable. Holding on the consequences is a
choice. It requires regular practice to become proficient and efficient with
doing it. The freedom in surrender is nothing short of exquisite.
MichaelGarvey “The freedom in surrender is nothing short of exquisite.” Never thought I’d agree with such a statement Michael, but now I know it to be true. And yes, #4 was a particularly tough one for me to face, and as both you and Ellen Berg pointed out, it’s a regular, and ongoing practice.
Wow, Sandi! Well said. Your words are powerful and the photos speak 1000’s of words. Those who are ready will be blessed to have you as their coach. Everyone needs to find their freedom. We’re so brainwashed with being in our heads vs bodies. I met Syndee Stein at WDS last year and went to CA for body work three times. Thanks for sharing. xo
TheBoldLife Thanks dear Tess, it was challenging but it had to be written. I was compelled 😉
Sandi, this is by far one of your most inspired posts to date, and the strength you exude through your vulnerability is one of the reasons I’ve been attracted to you since day one. Thank you for bringing this beautiful message to the world and for sharing this amazing new process the way that you are!
Sabrina at MyMiBoSo I’m so fascinated by the power and beauty of vulnerability, and the way we so often resist it. Writing this post was both challenging and cathartic, a bit like choosing to be exposed – a very odd sensation!
Thank you Sabrina, for your ongoing support and friendship.
Wow! What a story Sandi! What a transformation! Thanks for sharing!
xoxo
Betsy
Thank you for a very insightful share from your own experience. I can relate to so much and I notice how opening my heart always leads me back to who I am and feeling connected in the omnipresence of joy and who I really am. Blessings to you new friend on the journey x
Ana Goncalves Thank you for your comment Ana. It’s easy to feel alone when we’re going through a challenge, but I’ve been reminded yet again that we’re never alone. That so many can relate speaks to the journey of being human, rather than the individual.
Ana Goncalves Thank you for your comment Ana. It’s easy to feel alone when we’re going through a challenge, but I’ve been reminded yet again that we’re never alone. That so many can relate speaks to the journey of being human, rather than the individual.
Betsy at Zen Mama Thanks Betsy. It’s been quite a ride 😉
Beautiful piece Sandi. I can relate to the idea of love and freedom. Sometimes those midlife milestones knock us to the core, because we clearly see how far we’ve come and yet what more we want to accomplish. You are such an amazing coach. Anyone joining your freedom coaching will come away inspired and fired up! Thanks for a great post!
treatmenttalk I think what makes us amazing in our own ways is that we’ve walked the journey we now walk with our clients. I know it’s given me a much greater sense of compassion, but also what’s possible. Appreciate you being here Cathy.
Hi Sandi, This post really struck a chord for me. I am in a similar place to where you were before the shift. I’m 55, still don’t have clarity of direction, especially for a fulfilling work path, have considered coaching, both training to be and receiving and stuck more than ever around money and investments. I’d love any tips you might offer. Thanks, Brad
musebrad Coaching is a great path because in doing the work to offer this work for others, you deal with a lot of your own issues. And then once you’re trained, you’ve got to continue to do the work so it becomes a way of walking your talk in the world.
And there are times when you still need to ask for help. That’s where I was before the shift. It’s a vulnerable place, but very profound on the other side.
Sandi Amorim musebrad Thanks Sandi! How do I knowt/ test if coaching is a good step for me? Trusing myself as per your post is another big challenge for me. Do you have any experience or opinion of Tim Brownson’s coach training?
musebrad Tim’s a great guy! What he teaches though is how to develop your coaching business after you’re trained. I’d suggest working with a coach yourself to get some clarity, and doing a bit of research on coaching. Talk to a few coaches, research some coaching schools, etc. It’s easier to trust when you have some information 🙂
Sandi Amorim musebrad Thanks again!