What is it you want to change?
Your hair, your face, your body?
Why?
For God is in love with all those things
and he might weep when they are gone.
~ St. Catherine of Sienna
for what you’ve judged
and made so very wrong.
Weep…
for all that you’ve lost,
that can never be regained.
Weep…
let go, and
release what’s been held.
Allow what is,
and accept what is not.
forgive,
and set yourself free.
For most of my life, I’ve paid far more attention to my head than my heart. I’ve heard enough stories to know I’m not alone in this.
It’s puzzling really, for my head, on its endless quest for logic and knowledge, has all too often led me astray.
It’s been distracted, and even dazzled by facts, figures, reasons; all requirements in the heady world.
My heart however, has been treated like Cinderella – ignored, occasionally mocked, and left behind to tend to itself.
It took my heart being broken (but not really) to change this sad state of affairs.
It took getting quiet enough to hear it.
For the truth is, I didn’t know until then that I wasn’t hearing it (picture an ignorance is bliss scenario.)
My heart has taught me to be grateful for those years of sadness.
They helped me grow, and got me in touch with what was really important in my life.
Seems my heart knew all along what that was.
My heart has worked hard on my behalf for little recognition, until today. Until I asked the following question. . .
Everything you go through in life, whether from mind, body or spirit has information for you. Information along with an invitation to go deeper, to go within.
What do you do with the information?
Do you receive it or resist?
Do you make changes based on the information or pretend you never got the message?
Both are very human responses.
But whether you resist or refuse to get the message, the information persists lingering in your body.
The bad news is, that information has to come out sometime, somewhere. Wouldn’t it be better to have a say in that?
When you feel stressed, upset or fearful your sympathetic nervous system kicks in, sending adrenaline racing through your body, while your heart begins to race and your breathing becomes shallow.
The best thing to do in that moment is to focus on your breath, slowing everything down to a deep and rhythmic pace.
The second best thing to do is get curious about the information you’re receiving.
During a recent coaching conversation a client shared that she was feeling lost in her life, unsure about where she was heading. We started to explore it together.
I asked her:
Exploring the feeling released the pressure she felt. She was suddenly able to breathe, the tightness in her chest dissipated, leaving in its place a sense of calm.
“Intelligence is not the ability to store information, but to know where to find it.” – Albert Einstein
Use these simple steps, and be patient with yourself as you begin. Remember, this IS a practice.
With pen and journal in hand, take a deep breath and begin. . .
Just as my client did, get out of your head and into your body. Acknowledge the feeling that’s there.
Ask the questions above and write down your thoughts.
Feel your way through the experience. Feel what’s going on in your body. Ask yourself, “What’s the message here?”
Then listen.
And remember,
“Calm is a superpower.” – Brene Brown
If you had a simple tool to change your state with ease would you use it?
Imagine a spectrum with your negative feelings about life or a current circumstance on one end, and way over on the opposite end, how you most want to feel.
Neither good nor bad. Just neutral.
Where do you typically find yourself on this spectrum?
If you’re human, you’ll have days when it’s a fast and slippery slope to the negative, a.k.a. the dark side.
The problem isn’t that you go there, it’s that you stay.
Sometimes for a brief visit, and sometimes for an extended period that sucks the life right out of you.
And maybe you think there’s not much you can do about it. You react, get caught up in the emotions and in the blink of an eye a week’s gone by and you’ve barely left the house or your jammies.
Becoming aware of where you are on the spectrum restores your power and ability to choose.
Imagine standing right in the middle, in neutral.
Look to the left – all the dark, negative feelings await like a creature from the black lagoon. Familiar, dark, heavy.
Look to the right – where your most inspired and positive emotions live. Engaged, exciting, light.
And breathe.
Be here in the middle and notice both ends.
“There is neither happiness nor misery in the world; there is only the comparison of one state with another, nothing more.” – Alexandre Dumas
It’s easy to sabotage yourself when you want to change the state you’re in. You try to jump from feeling like crap all the way over to joyful and inspired, but it’s too great a gap and instead, you feel stuck, frustrated and resigned.
However, if you start to view your state from the perspective of a spectrum – a stateline – there’s suddenly room to move in either direction.
You really don’t have to stay stuck.
“Getting stuck is reactive, getting unstuck is proactive.” – Sherene McHenry
And if you do? There’s something powerful in realizing you have a choice.
That you’re not a victim of the circumstances. And you’re not at the mercy of your emotions.
Even if you only move to neutral, there’s a world of difference from where you began in your negative state. Taking that one step towards how you want to feel moves you in the direction of feeling better.
You now have a tool to explore the full range of whatever emotional spectrum you feel stuck in.
“Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death.” – Anais Nin
Step 1: Notice what negative state you’re in. What’s the emotion you’re feeling? Name it.
Step 2: What’s the opposite, positive and desired feeling? Name it.
Step 3: Notice where you are on the spectrum. Are you really at the furthest point on the negative side? Or are you closer to the middle, neutral ground?
Step 4: What one action would move you towards your positive, desired feeling?
Step 5: Go take that action.
When you learn how to pay attention to your states you empower yourself to choose, and feeling stuck can become a fleeting state of mind rather than a pity party over on the dark side.
Too many people are headed for burnout. Maybe you’re one of them.
“Burnout is nature’s way of telling you, you’ve been going through the motions your soul has departed; you’re a zombie, a member of the walking dead, a sleepwalker.” – Sam Keen
Because here’s the thing – no one is immune.
I’m pretty sure even the Dalai Lama has to manage this to some degree. It’s part of the human condition, and we all go through it from time to time.
Sometimes it’s because you don’t know how to say no.
Other times it’s due to overwhelm of the awesome kind. There are simply too many great things to do, attend or take part in.
Either way, burnout is imminent.
“Just like there’s always time for pain,
there’s always time for healing.” – Jennifer Brown
If you’re too far gone down the path, you may not be able to avoid it.
The good news is, you don’t have to stay stuck there.
So grab a notebook and a pen. We’re doing this the old school way.
Ready?
MAKE TWO LISTS:
Start with Danielle LaPorte’s infamous ‘stop doing’ list.
Sit yourself down and get real.
I start with everything that’s currently on my plate – commitments, promises, projects, whatever.
Then I go through the list letting myself feel whatever energy comes up.
If my gut winces or my brow furrows, I get rid of it.
Do this with integrity.
If other people are involved, let them know where you’re at. Clean it up, repromise, change your mind – it’s all good when done in service of you being of greater service, to yourself and others.
If your gut flutters and you smile as you look at the item on the list, it’s a keeper.
It’s not rocket science. Trust your body. It never lies.
Ever notice how a good laugh shifts almost any mood?
Some days it is the ONLY thing that works.
“If we couldn’t laugh we would all go insane.” – Robert Frost
Think about those moments when you really do feel crazy. Laughter releases the pressure and returns you to a more resourceful state.
“There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humour.” – Charles Dickens
Similar to yawning, it’s really hard to watch someone laughing and not feel the urge to join in.
It feels so damn good. Stop resisting!
Let yourself laugh, out loud and more often!
“Laughter is the language of the soul.” – Pablo Neruda
The first time I attended a silent retreat I caught myself laughing as I walked through the woods on my own. It bubbled up from within and echoed through the trees.
Best. Feeling. Ever.
“Life is really a great cosmic laughter.” – Osho
Listen, the joke is often on you, so why not laugh about it? It will more than likely be funny in a few years.
Why wait?
Laugh more now.
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.” – Charlie Chaplin
Life. IS. Funny.
Stop wasting your precious time worrying and stressing. Open yourself up to a big ol’ belly laugh.
Look for opportunities to laugh.
They’re everywhere when you pay attention.
You never know where or when you’ll be struck by a wake up call; the kind of message that sneaks in and rattles your cage. And when you wake up to the knowing that there really is no someday you start to see these messages everywhere.
Because the reality is we all need reminders.
It’s easy to become complacent and comfortable with the day-to-day routine of life. And I’m not even saying that’s bad. It’s not.
It’s just not where we come fully alive.
Fully alive is how I want to live, and I’m pretty sure that’s what you want too or you wouldn’t be here reading.
That’s what compelled me to take part in Patti Digh’s Project 137.
A wedding, a 50th anniversary,
family, friends and love.
So much love.
Heart and belly,
full.
This place, these people,
treasures held close.
A choice to live
far away.
Not always easy.
Before,
counting sleeps and,
delicious anticipation.
After,
goodbyes and hugs,
and tears.
Hearts break a little,
each time.
A love note to my sister recently married and my parents celebrating 50 years together.
Virginia Satir wrote the following poem after a session with a young client who had a lot of questions about herself and what life meant.
We all have those questions.
But it’s easy to forget and think we’re alone. During a challenging time in my life I read this poem often. It made a profound difference for me.
It spoke straight to my heart, and soothed me.
In a world that could use more love and kindness, I share it with an invitation to be kind – to others and most especially yourself.
I am me.
In all the world, there is no one exactly like me.
There are persons who have some parts like me,
but no one adds up exactly like me.
Three years old and owning the dance floor!
dancing by myself on the dance floor, at 3 or now
being intense and passionate and sometimes “too much”
being a girl/woman with strong opinions
hitting that boy in grade 3 when he called me stupid
having a voice and using it
unleashing my Lola and yours
upsetting an uncle by telling the truth when he asked my opinion
loving people as much as I do, even when they mess up
leaving a great opportunity when my boss was an asshole
poo-poohing superficial communication
talking to strangers
being selfish instead of selfless – I am not a martyr
my wit and humour, and sometimes sarcasm
disobeying the rules
taking a stand for what I want
asking you to choose now over someday
NOT sorry for that at all.
crying easily and often
sharing and loving more than “acceptable”
writing what’s in my heart
calling bullshit when I hear it
disagreeing with the status quo
leading more than following
refusing to settle
I want what I want and sorry be damned!
being curious about you, life, and what makes us tick
asking questions when I don’t understand
discomfort – there’s no magic in the comfort zone!
growing and learning and wanting the best out of life
being bold and full of moxie
laughing loud, often and unabashedly
being a demand for love, intimacy and connection in my relationships
pursuing my dreams, even though some have not worked out
shining bright and asking you to do the same
loving so deeply I thought I would die when it ended
and having the courage to love again.
I am NOT sorry for turning 49 today.
Every single thing that’s happened in my life, whether I enjoyed it or not, has caused me to grow, transform and become more myself than I ever thought possible.