Fear.
It bubbles up uninvited in the middle of the night like slow-moving lava, so hot it burns through everything in its path.
Burning, it makes room for a host of dark allies: doubt, cynicism, resignation.
You can’t breathe, your heart beats faster and your mind? It’s way ahead, having conjured up some grisly outcome worthy of Masterpiece Theatre.
Oh wait. . .
That was me in the middle of the night imagining various worst case scenarios of a health challenge that arose this year!
And I am (like you) so very good at worst case scenarios, thanks to my old friend the lizard brain.
Back to fear. . .
Fear has a tendency to stop you.
You get caught up in the spiral of negative thinking and eventually, worn down by the onslaught of:
- Who the hell do you think you are?
- You’ll never be good enough.
- You’re wasting your potential.
- Insert your favourite fear-based, lizard brain thought.
You stop.
Actually, that’s my greatest fear too. That somehow, someday I’ll stop pursuing my dreams and those intentions I shared will never materialize, and I’ll just give up.
Seriously, the thought sends a shiver down my spine.
And even though I know that’s probably not likely, the fear lingers.
Last night I watched a travel documentary that talked about lava tubes. Just because a volcano is dormant, doesn’t mean there’s nothing going on way down deep underground. These lava tubes are tunnels below the surface of the earth’s crust where lava sometimes flows without ever reaching the top.
Yup, I think that’s what fear’s like. A deep dark lava tube, oozing now and then, just enough to keep you under control.
[pullquote]“Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth” ― Pema Chödrön[/pullquote]
This year’s health challenge scared me more than anything else.
It kept me awake at night, created a few worry lines on my face and affected my spirit profoundly.
Having done this work for so long, I’d become pretty good at knowing how to stop a downward spiral and this was the first time in a very long time I felt myself being pulled down into some very dark emotions.
But what I learned, or more accurately remembered, is there’s always light to balance the dark. In the midst of this, I reconnected with friends, I remembered how to ask for help and I made self-care a priority for the first time in my life.
Fear came a knocking this year and while I didn’t appreciate the visit, it spurred me to action and for that I can be grateful.
“We should all start to live before we get too old. Fear is stupid. So are regrets.” – Marilyn Monroe
#reverb11 is a prompt driven writing project during the month of December. Its purpose is to inspire reflection and create intention for the coming year.
This post was prompted by Day 13 – Fear: What scared you more than anything else this year?
How on earth did you know that’s exactly what it feels like? lava. wow.
I know what it feels like for me and I know what I hear from my clients. When I sat down to use this prompt I remembered the lava tubes and something clicked. Love when that happens 🙂
I can identify with the fear brought on by health challenges, Sandi, big time. In fact, I had a mini version of it just the other night when for a few seconds I thought I was having a heart attack. The fire of the fear of dying burns more hotly than any other, doesn’t it?
And its great gift is it burns away nonsense and leaves the essential truth. It changes you in a way you cannot ignore. Believing for three long days and even longer nights that I was going to die very soon from breast cancer was the best thing that ever happened to me.
Carol, as I read that last line I am so inspired by your courage and how you’ve lived your life since then. And that is where my passion lies. To wake people up before they have the health scare, before the crisis hits. I have no idea yet what that looks like, but it’s the next playing field for me.
I think it looks like two things, Sandi. (1) Inspire the heck out of people by painting a picture (storytelling — you’re really, really good at storytelling) of what a life lived fully looks and feels like. (2) Scare the heck out of people by painting a picture of what a life not lived fully looks like and feels like.
So what you’re saying is I’m here to inspire and scare people 😉
Nope, I’m saying you are here to inspire and scare the s**t out of people. And I know you can. You’ve done both with me. 😉
Interestingly, as I read this, instead of the fear bubbling away down there, I read hope and life which stops the just giving up. So glad you found that and it overcame your fear Sandi x
Ahh Jackie,
It’s always nice to have someone else’s perspective. Maybe it’s just my nature that I refuse to give up (could be a stubborn Aries trait!) but whatever the reason, I’m grateful.
This: “there’s always light to balance the dark” brought tears to my eyes. Love being reminded of that, thank you!
We all need that reminder sometimes, don’t we?
Sandi, I love this post! Thank you : )
Thank you for sharing the journey with me.
I love this. Thank you. I had lived in fear for so long, anxiety, that this is just how it feels. It felt liberating to see come alive on screen — by someone else.
It is liberating to name it and call it out from the dark, like I can breathe again. Thanks for being here.