If every behaviour has a positive intention, instead of flogging yourself and donning a hairshirt, why not look back and see a lifetime of you taking care of you?
Shaking your head in disbelief and doubt? I know, I hear it from clients all the time. I’m not going to lie, I even have to remind myself now and then.
But think about it like this for a moment. . .
You wouldn’t keep doing the things you do unless there was value for you in there somewhere. You just wouldn’t.
The stuff you do that feels good ==> positive intent.
ie: You buy organic because it’s healthier for you and better for the environment, which leads back to you feeling good.
The stuff you do that you suffer about ==> positive intent.
ie: You ate the stale cupcake because in that moment you felt sad about a friend that passed away recently, which lead to a need for comfort and the cupcake reminded you of your mom and how she used to bake treats for you as a kid (comfort), which leads back to you feeling good.
See? Positive.
Whether it looks healthy and organic or iced and stale. . .all positive.
Are you getting this?
That’s why everything you do is self-care in some way.
You might be saying, “yeah but, I still shouldn’t have eaten the damn cupcake!”
What did that cupcake give you that you didn’t know how to get any other way right then and there in that moment?
Because you’re smart, and if you could have come up with a better way to feel comforted you would have.
It’s all positive intent. You’re either anticipating pleasure, avoiding pain or meeting your needs in some way.
It’s that simple and that complicated and different for everyone, which is why it’s such a waste of time to compare and judge.
When you start to see you have choices – even better ways of getting your needs met – you’ll start to choose differently.
There’s power (and freedom) in being up front about your positive intention so that you can examine it in the bright light of day.
As my brilliant friend Karen Paritee suggests, “I’m going to eat the stale cupcake because by eating the stale cupcake I will feel an important connection to my mother.”
Once you can do that, you’ll be hard pressed to forget that you are a caring, intelligent person who’s only ever looking out for your own good.
When that becomes clear, you’ll have some perspective and some room to breathe.
And that will be as delicious to savour as any cupcake, stale or otherwise.
“Once you can do that, you’ll be hard pressed to forget that you are a caring, intelligent person who’s only ever looking out for your own good.When that becomes clear, you’ll have some perspective and some room to breathe.And that will be as delicious to savour as any cupcake, stale or otherwise.”Your words are delicious, SandiD. Even though I know I’m only ever looking out for my own good no matter what I’m doing, the way you said it brought tears to my eyes. (If only I had a stale cupcake to mop up my tears with! :-))It’s so important that we know the truth, that we are 100% the farthest thing from our own worst enemy, and you said it so eloquently. (And thank you so much for the link to hairshirt. I appreciate the education!)xoK
Ah Karen, you know me so well. That hairshirt link was put in just for you 😉
And more delicious than any cupcake or even chocolate (!!!) is our friendship. Thanks my friend for being such a gift to my life.
xoS
It seems like everyone else in the world knows what a hairshirt is but me, so I appreciated it… when you put it the way you did, your counsel did seem like a pretty reasonable alternative to flogging myself with a hairshirt!
(Better than chocolate? Unstale chocolate? 🙂 I guess I’m going to have to get at least a dozen more of those stale cupcakes to mop up my tears, my dear dear SandiD.)
Enjoying the clarity that ensues when 2 brilliant women converse!
I totally understand the positive intentions that guide our every action. The only thing that kind of bothers me is the stale cupcake/Mom connection… not very flattering, although likely very true. I connect burnt toast to my grandfather!I’m just hoping that my kids have less dubious connections and think of me fondly when they are hiking or gardening or hanging at the beach instead!
Hi Anne! I’m sure you’d tell me that no doubt your kids will think of you fondly then, they make all kinds of connections based on experiences. Sandi and I had been talking about why we eat food, even when it’s stale, and that there’s always a good reason, even though we’re thinking…”am I serious?? I’m eating a stale cupcake??” “Am I serious, I’m eating and I’m not hungry?? Again??” Turns out we’re very serious. The fact that it’s appealing despite being stale just highlighted that.
The cupcake could be voted the tastiest on the face of this earth, if you don’t have a positive intention for eating it, you’ll consider that the end of the story.
I must come to my mother’s defense! HER cupcakes were not stale; current day cupcake was 🙂
I had a long and disturbing dream last night about a former love. When I woke up, I caught myself berating myself for “still” dreaming about him. And then I remembered what you (Sandi) always say — there is a positive intention behind everything we do. I think that even applies to dreams and eating stale cupcakes.
One thing I know for sure (oh, God, I sound like Oprah!) — eating a stale cupcake or dreaming about a former love is far better for us than beating ourselves up about doing it. From here on out, I declare that I will only beat myself up when I’m not remembering how I don’t deserve to be beaten up! 😉
“I declare that I will only beat myself up when I’m not remembering how I don’t deserve to be beaten up!” Carol, that is PRICEless. Sharing right now!
Totally agree with this! It’s never really the action itself that gets us – it’s the way we feel about it! Remembering the positive intent definitely helps minimize the self-flagellation.
Sandi, this is really cool! This idea can certainly stop and redirect your self-talk. 🙂 The worst and least productive factor for change is beating yourself up, in my opinion.
That cupcake in the photo is making me hungry.;-)
Lori
Haha, I should have chosen a photo of a STALE cupcake 😉
I love this discussion about positive intention and recognizing that I am indeed looking out for my self in my choices to meet a need.
There were so many things that I beat myself up about over this past year. Especially some not-so-flattering choices about how to handle “life.”
I have come to realize and you reinforce, that the steps/choices/etc. I did was my way of looking out for myself. That drive to Texas that ate my savings and scared my family thinking I was running away…positive intention to the 16th degree. I knew I needed the space, the drive and the time away to reflect. Was it the best “whole” decision? It was the best “me” decision where I put exactly what I needed first and I came out so much better for it.
YES! It was the best decision for YOU in that moment and if there had been another you’d have taken it. That I am absolutely sure of!
What I love about this conversation is that once you really get it, it does feel easier to stop beating up on yourself because it’s suddenly a choice. Choice = Power. Where’s the lizard brain going to go with that one?