Guest post by Rita Chand – Sharing the being part of human being.
I’d just hung up the phone with Sandi after calling her to help me deal with something. She had asked if I was up to writing something about this experience I was having, that it was something her readers could probably relate to. I love Sandi so saying no to her isn’t an option. Little did I know I’d be inspired to write something as soon as I hung up the phone. But she’s good like that.
[pullquote]“There is the risk you cannot afford to take and there is the risk you cannot afford not to take”. ~ Peter Drucker[/pullquote]
On Monday, I found out I didn’t get a job that I really really REALLY wanted. The process lasted a month, the job was exciting and amazing and it was everything I wanted. Everything I’d been talking about for quite some time. Happiness couldn’t be found sitting at my desk day after day anymore – I needed more, desired so much more. And this job offered it.
But, I didn’t get it. After all that, someone else did.
And it’s okay. . .ultimately it is.
It wasn’t meant to be.
There are bigger, BETTER things out there for me.
It’s her loss.
And all the other platitudes that people say to make us feel better. They want to help so they say what they know to say. I appreciate that. But we all know it doesn’t help. None of those things help. And I think we know that too. God bless people for being so awesome.
My friends are sad for me. . .well actually, most of them are just sad that I am sad. They didn’t want me to move away, so some have shared they are relieved.
So yes, it is okay. Ultimately.
Does it feel okay? No. Did I cry for 2 days after? Yes.
Even at the gym. I just cried. I’m disappointed. Heartachingly, gut wrenchingly disappointed.
I don’t know about you, but I don’t do disappointment very well.
In fact (don’t tell anyone I said this) I think disappointment is one of the worst emotions to deal with. I’d rather be pissed off. Or better still, indifferent. I can do those really well.
But to sit in my own disappointment. . .forget it.
Disappointment is like the cooties of feelings. There’s nothing redeeming about disappointment. It just downright sucks.
I think mostly because I grew up feeling like I never wanted to disappoint anyone.
I find myself often feeling this wave of something I can’t quite put my finger on, and then when it comes to me, it goes a little bit like “don’t be disappointed in me” as an 8-track stuck in the tape player loop. It’s always quite liberating once I can see it. . .but this level of disappointment at not getting what I wanted. . .oh it’s a whole other breed.
Normally I deal with disappointment by hiding out. I plough through so no one has to deal with me not being “normal” or “better” or even “okay”. God forbid anyone has to deal with my stuff. Ugh. Why put someone through that. I’ll just stay at home and cry myself to sleep at night so no one has to know.
This time. . .something different emerged. Mostly because when you go through life practicing being open and vulnerable, new things happen and you don’t notice them until after they’ve already happened.
For instance, when I got the email about the job I sat in the car and cried for a bit, and then went into the house, changed my clothes and went to the gym. That is most definitely not normal. I cried through my whole workout, but that was fine. No one seemed to notice. I went to a jazzercise class last night as well and burst into tears right after. Perhaps from the adrenaline – or not. Who knows. And I don’t really care. I did the class, I sweated my ass off, and I cried.
I shared and cried with a couple of the girls I work with and they aren’t used to me being any other way but great all the time, but they wanted to know. They wanted me to share. They were excited for the possibility of the job. To not share the end result with them seemed unfair, or even worse wrong.
Hiding out is my normal. Hiding out is my ordinary. Hiding out is what I do best.
Being open and vulnerable however is new to me.
It’s all uncomfortable and not ordinary and most definitely not normal. But it seems to be working.
There’s courage in being vulnerable.
It takes something to allow myself to be that open with people and to let them see that I cry real tears too. So often I have people tell me that they are sometimes intimidated by me because I seem to have my shit together and they don’t, so they don’t want to connect with me for that reason. To which I usually reply with “well that’s silly,” but in fact it’s not.
If all I am willing to show people is the got-it-together persona they never get to see the human being in me. The part that bleeds, hurts, cries and gets mad and rants. The part that sometimes doesn’t know what to say.
Whether it’s disappointment in not getting a job or a relationship not working out there really is no wrong time to let people into the human beingness of you. What I’ve noticed is that people just want to love each other. And we all have these silly barriers that keep us from doing that. Until. . .I give them an opportunity.
Imagine what could be accomplished in the world if we all gave ourselves the freedom to just be who we are, right down to our tears and sadness? If we were all willing to rip ourselves open every now and again.
Imagine.
Coach’s Note:
- How does disappointment show up for you?
- Do you hide out and suppress. . .or open up so that you can move on?
Thanks so much for this. Dissapointment goes hand in hand with embarasment for me. But the “D’ word seems to be one of those emotions that is not as acceptable as some of the others. It is as if if we happen to fall into it, that somehow we are the ones resposible….ie “don’t set yourself up for…” or don’t expext too much”
Again Thank you for sharing and keep opening up and connecting your head, to your heart to others.
Interesting thoughts on disappointment. It doesn’t have a very different feel which shows up in how we take it on. How far down this rabbit hole do we want to go?
I’m so sorry for having missed all the comments. *slaps wrist*. I’m here now!
Michelle thank you for your comment. Disappointment has so many facets if we sit down and really “go down the rabbit hole” but at the end of the day, something happened and then we pretend like it’s fine. At least that’s what I do. This was a first for me. To just be with it all. It was quite a breakthrough for me and I’m happy to have given myself the grace to go through it. And then share it.
Sandi, thanks for posting this. I’ve come a long way since we talked in my disappointment about this, and writing this for you was the perfect thing for me to do.
Michelle – yah, often times it comes down to our own egos doesn’t it? we don’t want to let people know and often it’s just because we have a fear of looking stupid and having people say “don’t get too excited…” blah. Life is about getting too excited and too happy and too whatever. Otherwise..what’s the point?
Hallelujah! What IS the point? 😉
Rita, thank you for your words on this! While I read about your disappointment (and I *am* sorry you didn’t get the job) I recalled a few times when I had been crushed by disappointment, and how much I learned and what great things came from them. So that now as I begin something risky and out there and have told lots of people my dreams about it (which is pretty far from normal for me), and I struggle with the worry of disappointment, this reminds me that if things don’t turn out exactly how I hope that I have many people here to hear my feelings about it. That I have more capacity now for sharing exactly that than I ever had before.
And that is the magic of life: us. Connected.
Hugs and butterflies,
~T~
Teresa,
Your comment brought to mind a quote, “What you risk reveals what you value.” – Jeanette Winterson
xoS
I love that quote. I think I need to put that on a tshirt.
When I went to Africa, I didn’t speak the languages around me. My friend looked out for my well-being for 38 days. I had very little control or power over my life once I stepped on the plane.
My mantra for 38 days was “I’m not in charge.” It was the ultimate in letting go, in trust.
My friend & I are nearly as close as sisters since we got back (Jan. 2005). I still use the mantra a lot.
I’m not in charge of others, of weather, of schedule glitches outside of me. It’s useful to remember that I’m not the queen of other folks’ lives.
Not the queen? What??? 😉
Brilliant mantra Lynn! For those of us (not naming any names here) who like to be in charge this can be quite the challenge!
When we take the risk of allowing ourselves to get really excited about something, then we are exercising one of the great privileges of being human — we are feeling our feelings. And, yes, sometimes we get disappointed, and I agree, Rita — disappointment is one of the suckier of human feelings. (Suckier? That is a really ugly word you just made up, Carol.)
But if we don’t take the risk of getting excited for fear we may be disappointed, then we are really setting ourselves up for a rather flat line of existence when it comes to our feelings. And I think the flat line in feelings means the same thing it does on a heart monitor — we’re dead.
I’m sorry for your pain, Rita. I really, truly am. And I’m very glad you are allowing yourself to stay with it, write about it, talk about it, and not just skip over it and pretend it is no big deal. No flat lining for you! You’re alive and well and kicking. You’re living.
So awesome Carol. Thank you for all of that. When I wrote this post, Sandi and I agreed I would give up being disappointed come Friday morning. Friday morning I woke up free of the disappointment. Yes, I would have loved that job..and I can still have a job much like it..I just have to create the space for it. So although the pain is gone, talking about it is something I’ve never done before. I am just grateful to Sandi for giving me the space to do so.
Rita,
I love so much that you accepted my request to write about this experience. As you can see, it is a very human, very common experience – AND many people don’t talk about it and don’t allow themselves to feel it. Your willingness to keep taking on the things that once held you back astonishes me in the best possible way. Thanks for sharing yourself so generously.
Oh my God Carol, I love the metaphor of the flat line on a heart monitor! I feel a post coming on 🙂
haha! Sandi! Great minds. I was thinking the same thing. Race ya? lol
And thank you. You inspire me to keep doing that…and tonight I shared something I never in a million years thought I would share, and will be writing about it tomorrow. Thank you for continuously fueling the courage. xo
I am happy you were inspired to write this and share it with all of us. Personally, I find that when emotions are high and instead of ignoring or allowing yourself the experience to ride the wave, I tap into writing as well. The best part is that it is a release to get to the nitty gritty of what is happening inside. I am glad that vulnerability is starting to be recognized as meaning more than weakness……it truly sets you free. Thank you again for the insightful, honest post. I have related very well to what you wrote as I am positive it has touched many who have experienced what you have. I don’t do “disappointment” well either……takes practice……I suppose….Lol……Keep on sharing…..Michele
Michelle I am already in love with your last name. 🙂 Thank you for sharing and for getting whatever you got from what I shared. Sandi was right. It was the perfect thing for me to do. Even while I was writing it, I could feel the disappointment falling away. I like when that happens and you don’t even know it.
and I’ll be honest…I had an even more vulnerable moment yesterday..I’m considering writing about it tonight. Stay tuned.
And…it’s in writing! Looking forward to reading new post on vulnerability 🙂
I don’t know how I missed this one. Sorry!
Disappointment for me feels so one-sided. I feel like I’m complaining when I tell someone how something has affected me, but there really isn’t a better way to deal with those feelings except to talk about them. When I muster the courage up to tell someone (if they are part of the disappointment) I’m usually pleasantly surprised at how much better I feel with the new information (their side). Life is such a delicate and unpredictable thing, Throw in a lot of people with all of their stuff and it gets very complicated. The older I get the more I see that I have to address my feelings immediately, out in the open, or risk letting them fester and weigh me down. I guess what I’m saying is that I feel “better” when I deal with those things that I have power to deal with and if there’s nothing I can do about it I know that everyone involved did the best that they could and it just didn’t work out.
I think the best thing you could’ve said is…
“…and it just didn’t work out.” Full stop.
Betsy,
Have I told you lately that you’re brilliant? You are! You share these nuggets, lil’ gems of wisdom in each and every comment. I so appreciate you!
And like you, when I’ve suppressed stuff in the past it’s always been a bad scene and fester is the perfect word to describe it. I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s simply not healthy in any way – physically, emotionally, relationally, etc.