Ever notice how Italians say “No” with attitude?
It’s a big, decisive, full-bodied NO.
Curl your tongue to form a strong N.
Follow with a short punchy O.
Learning to say no with this kind of surety is the best way to say good-bye to overwhelm and resentment.
Because here’s the thing you’ve been avoiding. . .
How did you get to this point?
It’s not tough to figure out. I’ll bet you said yes quickly and without much thought. Yeah, I know. I’ve done it too.
You’re probably inundated every day. Requests, favours, tasks and a never-ending to-do list. It’s so damn easy to get caught up in saying yes.
(Which frequently sounds like, “sure, no problem, yup, any time” said with a weary smile on your face.)
I used to be a yes gal – an automatic “let me help you with your project/job search/relationship/fill-in-the-blank” frickin’ YES!
I admit it.
I love helping others, I’m easily inspired, and YES felt pretty damn good!
Until it didn’t.
Until the day I realized that every yes to someone or something else was a NO to myself.
No to my self-care.
No to my peace of mind.
No to the growth of my business.
No to a good night’s sleep, for starters.
All those NO’s to myself because I couldn’t say NO to others.
“When you say “yes” to others, make sure you are not saying “no” to yourself.” – Paulo Coelho
I got to a point when I realized how much meaning I gave to NO.
But NO doesn’t mean what you think it means.
It doesn’t mean you’re bad, wrong or inconsiderate.
It doesn’t mean you don’t care for others.
It doesn’t mean you’re selfish.
It’s just NO.
Say it with me in Italian – “Nnnnnnnn-O.”
Feel those two lovely letters N O rolling around in your mouth.
Now listen because I’m going to say something I really want you to hear. . .
You can be trusted to say NO.
And every time you do…a YES to yourself expands.
Your well-being flourishes.
Your inner knowing is rewarded.
Your heart beats in appreciation.
Saying YES to yourself makes you available elsewhere. It’s time to use your NO for that kind of soul expanding goodness!
Whatever you do, do it from a clean state. There’s really no point in getting this far only to beat yourself up again for this new choice you’re making.
And just for the record?
Angst and regret have no place in your life, so go ahead and say NO to them too!
“There are only two words that will always lead you to success. Those words are yes and no. Undoubtedly, you’ve mastered saying yes. So start practicing saying no.” – Jack Canfield
Over to you:
- Review what’s on your schedule.
- Notice where you feel over-committed or resentful.
- Check your boundaries, are they in tact?
- What are you now willing to say NO to in order to say YES to yourself?
Hey Sandi..no,no, no, no, no. I’m getting the hang of this no thing. Like yourself I’ve also struggled with saying no sometimes. But I love the way you expand on it, that saying no to others, can be like saying yes to yourself. When we over expand ourselves, we wear ourselves out, we become resentful, things fall apart, and ultimately we come to a grinding halt.There are a few things you have inspired me to say no to both today and beyond
This was beautiful and enlightening, Sandi
love and light, Stacey
Thanks Stacey! This ‘no thing’ really does take practice and it’s a lesson I’ve had to learn over and over. The cost of saying YES is often too great!
What I’m even more guilty of is volunteering to do stuff. I get asked a question about something and will answer it and when the person can’t use my advice because they don’t have the necessary skills or equipment, I’ll end up offering to do it for them because I can and it’s not a big job. They have me lock, stock and barrel. They never even had to risk a ‘no’ because I was the willing accomplice in the deception. 😉
Oh yeah, that’s one of those sneaky subconscious patterns that has a pretty big cost over time! I do know that one too, sad to say 🙁
Curious about what you could now do, since you’ve shone the light on it?
Oooh now there’s the twenty million dollar question 😉 The thing is, I know when I’m doing it and I get all squirmy inside and yet I still do it. I guess I must just stop. lol.
I stopped saying yes when I *didn’t want to* when I realized I was bullshitting myself. If I’m doing it, there’s a yes in there that wants what saying no won’t get me.
Note to self: Bullshitting self is not a good strategy 😉
I’ve learned (after ages of doing all sorts of things I didn’t want to do) a strategy that helps me.
I get pretty clear on my focus and if it doesn’t fit I can say no. (okay – not always but most of the time)
And people understand when I put it this way –
I’d love to do _____ but right now I’m 100% committed to___ and ___ and until I get those things where they need to be, I just can’t take on anything new.
It’s a work in progress – but maybe this will help someone else because I know when we finally do say no – we feel the need to explain and explain and explain lol
That IS a great strategy Phyllis. My problem is I’m so easily inspired I forget to say that great line and find myself saying YES way too quickly. Definitely a practice I have to keep at! I wrote this post for myself as much as any readers 🙂
Hey Sandi, grateful for the reminder of what seems to be a sometimes courageous word to speak: NO.
Just as I was wanting to admonish myself for not posting this week – shock, horror – in what’s been a week of many “NOs” because I had a four bedroom house to pack up for our move interstate (in which I’m in the middle of) writing and posting has had to be set aside.
Time to check emails though and see what you’re up to… perfectamundo!
So, I’m saying NO to giving myself a hard time for the entire week ahead – might even try for longer! – as I unpack at our new house, and YES to being okay with a blog that hasn’t been updated for a week already.
OK. That’s enough x
Why are we so damn hard on ourselves? I do believe that every behaviour has a positive intention, so even when I’m being an automatic YES, I’m definitely getting something. The problem is the ‘something’ has a cost that over time becomes too great. And then, I have to be reminded of this lesson once again.
I am glad though that you’re taking care of you with all that’s going on. We need you in the world giving your best!!
Sandi, I feel like you’re blogging my life story until just a few years ago. I was utterly depressed and couldn’t figure out why I’d come to hate the sound of the phone ringing. Long story short, I finally realized I was depressed because I said yes to everything, had no time to myself, and had no time for my writing. I was an introvert forcing herself to function as an extravert constantly. I hated the phone because every time it rang, someone wanted something. And I said yes to it.
Finally, I said, “NO.”
And things got better.
I still have to practice setting healthy boundaries; it does not come naturally to me. (But does it to anyone?) Nowadays, I’m more discerning about what I say yes to. I protect my time better. I protect my creative self better. And as a result, I can give much more freely to others when I do say yes. : )
Practice is the key word. Even though I do this work a lot with my clients, I wrote this piece as a reminder to myself. When life gets busy and the YES’s have taken over, I have to remind myself, like anyone else, to slow down and regroup. Then I can continue to contribute and be there for others in a way that works for me.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Your being here is appreciated.
Thank you as well for the welcome, Sandi. Yes, I do still have to remind myself to practice. I had a moment just this past Monday where someone made me an offer — and everything in me felt compelled to say YES. But there was a tiny, timid voice in the back of my mind that answered, “Um. I really hate to bother you, but could we please say no to this? Here’s why…”
That tiny voice is hard to listen for and easy to drown out. But I let it have its say. And, gently but firmly, I said, “No.”
And it was okay. : )
Practice is the key word. Even though I do this work a lot with my clients, I wrote this piece as a reminder to myself. When life gets busy and the YES’s have taken over, I have to remind myself, like anyone else, to slow down and regroup. Then I can continue to contribute and be there for others in a way that works for me.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Your being here is appreciated.