You think fear sounds like truth, and then you take action that comes from a lie.
But when you pay attention to how things feels in your body, you start to realize that truth lives in vulnerability and fear is a lie.
“Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage.” – Brené Brown
The fear that spins round and round in your brain is not truth, but you live like it is.
Then you keep telling that worn out story because it’s more comfortable than the unknown.
There’s shame in admitting that, so you pretend that you’re fine, that you’re not really paralysed by fear, and you live, metaphorically speaking, in a dark and scary neighbourhood.
That’s what your head is – a dark and scary part of town, that no one in their right mind would choose willingly.
Years go by, youur dreams fall by the wayside, and you settle for what’s known and secure and you decide that dreams are for other people.
Until one day someone asks, “What dreams did you have for your life?” and a wistful look appears, your voice softens and you speak long suppressed words.
I once dreamed of…
- writing a book
- becoming a singer
- owning a restaurant
- travelling the world
You give your head a shake, and laugh at your youthful desires.
What the fuck happened to those dreams?
I’ll tell you.
You stayed in that dark and scary neighbourhood far too long.
It’s time to get OUT of your head and back to living a life that feels good; a life that inspires you and makes you grin with satisfaction.
I’m not naively suggesting you never feel fear again. We’re hardwired to survive and fear helps us do so, but it doesn’t have to stop you from doing what you want in life.
Your freedom from fear begins with getting out of your head.
We forget that we all experience fear.
We forget and begin the cycle of judgment and make-wrong that keeps us stuck in a negative spin.
We forget that true fear for survival is rare.
We forget, and stay alone in our head in that very dark neighbourhood.
We forget, and think our fears are unique.
When the truth is, they are common to human beings:
- fear of failure
- fear of success
- fear of intimacy
- fear of being found out (impostor syndrome)
- fear of abandonment
Show me one person who doesn’t have one or more of these fears. They’re common and ordinary, and not nearly as dramatic as you make them in your head.
And so the time has come to develop a practice to stay out of your head.
It may be challenging because you’ve got years of conditioning telling you to be afraid.
Fear is usually accompanied by feelings of shame and vulnerability, and shame reduces you to the belief that it is the way it is, and there’s nothing you can do.
But the truth is this…
You are not stuck with your fear.
How Do You Bust Through It?
1. Name it and Claim it
Fear grows in the dark, so get it out in the open and get specific.
What exactly are you afraid of? Failure. Success. Uncertainty. Abandonment. Intimacy.
These are the usual suspects, but they don’t actually say anything about what’s true for you.
What specifically are you afraid of?
Fear loses its grip when you name it.
What scares you about failure, success, etc.?
Claim it. Write it down. Share it with people you trust and get your power back.
2. Embrace Uncertainty
Fear shows up when you don’t know what to expect, which is hilarious because how sure can you be of anything in life?
You’ll never be 100% sure but you can soothe fear by doing your homework.
It starts once again, with clarity.
What exactly are you unsure of?
Make a list, write it down, get it out of your head. Then get out there and do the work: talk to people, research, ask questions, experiment, etc.
Research helps increase your confidence so that you can stay in action.
3. Ask What If?
Ever notice how effortlessly you “what if” yourself into a negative state?
Stop. Breathe. Do the opposite.
You’ve spent enough time with the worst case scenario. Now it’s time to focus on the positive and look for the best.
If things turned out exactly how you want, what would you see, hear and feel?
Notice how it feels in your body – it doesn’t lie.
And then, go there more often please.
When I said YES to learning to scuba diving I was terrified, but as I imagined the best case scenario I knew I had to take action.
4. Give Up Your Worry
I know, I know, easier said than done.
But come on, we know that worry does no good.
It is the biggest energy drain there is and the cure is simpler than you think.
It doesn’t matter what or why you’re worrying.
Just take one action. One action every day will lead to momentum.
Maybe the action is to meditate every day for 15 minutes. Maybe it’s sharing your fear with a friend.
One action. You can do this.
5. Say Something New
Seriously, if you talked to your friends the way you talk to yourself, you’d have no friends. Who would stick around for that kind of abuse?
Start saying new things. Try on different phrases and notice how you respond.
Don’t just repeat tired old affirmations. Create new ones that work for you.
Write them down, experiment with them and pay attention to how they feel in your body. Tweak them until you discover a few that feel really good.
Fear usually shows up when you’re going after something important in your life.
It’s a sign that you’re on the right track.
Using these strategies and getting the right kind of support can make all the difference to the results you produce in your life and business.
Sharing your fears is the key to breaking the paralysis that keeps you stuck in that dark, scary neighbourhood.
Wonderful advice Sandy. Just what Monday needs.
mark_chambers1 Monday and every day!
Often my coaching (or advice) starts out as a note to myself, so I’m relieved when others can relate 😉
A fear that keeps me from taking action on a dream? The fear that I will be judged as arrogant or big-headed or full of myself. Who am I to found a healing center? Actually, to paraphrase Marianne Williamson, who am I not to?
I had an interesting experience today. I met a woman for lunch whom I’ve never met — one of my clients introduced us to each other. She’s new to my area, and I was prepared to help her as much as I could. Instead, she helped me big time with my job hunting. Along came Elaine and her fearlessness and creativity on my behalf and voila. I walked away with a gazillion new ideas about what I bring to the table, how to package it, and who to offer it to. A huge shot in the arm!
I once heard worry described as praying for what you don’t want. That made a huge impression on me. So I really try to pull myself right out of the worry groove every time I want to slip in there, and it’s working. I don’t worry very much any more. Of course I have people in my life who are doing my worrying for me, but I limit my contact with them and make sure I’m feeling strong and upbeat when I’m in touch with them.
Carol Hess LOL I know what you mean about having people in your life that are doing your worrying for you! As a recovering worry wart I’ve definitely made headway in dropping the worry thoughts. And it’s quite frustrating to run into other people who want to do that worrying for me. It sucks because then I have to worry about THEM, worrying about me, and how I can get them to stop. Sheesh.
saraho You have to worry about them worrying about you??? Now THAT is a vicious cycle my friend! What could you replace it with?
Sandi Amorim LOL, yes, the games the mind can play are pretty ridiculous. One way I could replace it is to just be in gratitude for the love they are showing me. Another way is to just let it pass right through me without triggering that old worry wart. I’m getting much better about that (both of these techniques really), and i credit you my friend with being one of the instigators of that change! Thank you!
Sandi Amorim LOL, yes, the games the mind can play are pretty ridiculous. One way I could replace it is to just be in gratitude for the love they are showing me. Another way is to just let it pass right through me without triggering that old worry wart. I’m getting much better about that (both of these techniques really), and i credit you my friend with being one of the instigators of that change! Thank you!
Carol Hess More supporters, fewer worriers 😉
And yes, who are we not to pursue our dreams and let our light shine? Ironic that the fear that we’d be found arrogant is in itself arrogant! Truth is fewer people are paying attention than we imagine, and most of them would be cheering us on!
I don’t like talking about my fears (writing about them privately is another story), but intuitively it came right to mind so it must be ready to be shared:
Here’s my fear…that my people won’t find me and the time and energy I put into creating are all for myself.
But you know what Sandi? Now that I’ve named it, it really isn’t that scary because at the end of the day, I trust that the message I have to put into the world is worthy of being heard. And even IF that is simply being heard by me, deeply and fully, then I will have created meaning in my life because I would have simply changed that one life that I can affect the most…my own.
Thank you for allowing me the space here to share my sweet friend!
Sabrina at MyMiBoSo I think it’s common for people not to talk about them, but keeping them unspoken doesn’t work. I’m not suggesting we dwell on them, but rather inviting folks to get clear on them. The unknown, vague fears are the ones that get in the way of taking action. The faster we shine some light on them, the faster we can move beyond them.
@Sandi Amorim Totally agreed! I should have clarified that I don’t normally speak my fears out loud online but I do speak them out loud, with myself and trusted peers (counting you in that group!).
“We forget, and stay alone in our head in that very dark neighbourhood.
We forget, and think our fears are unique.”
These sentences remind me of my fight against eating disorders. We feel soooo alone in our illness (or our fears), but if only we opened up – all of us – and reached out to others, we’d change everything. Yes, our fears feel unique, but they never are. Most of us think similar thoughts and go through similar things in life. While the details may differ, the feelings stay the same. Not sure where I’m going with this, other than to say: Let’s give each other a hand and help each other see we are never alone in our struggles.
anneso87 It’s one of the amazing things I’ve noticed in the Circle of Cohorts; as we begin to talk about our fears in growing a business, they suddenly realize they all have very similar fears and feel so much more connected and supported. It was awesome to witness and inspired this post!
A helping hand often has much more impact than we might imagine. Such a simple, yet profound human connection. xoS
Sandi Amorim That’s true, Sandi. So happy to hear you’ve experienced this in your Circle of Cohorts.
Fear can hold us back from getting what we want. It’s easier to stay in our comfort zone and hide out from being noticed. But when we move ahead, our dreams will begin to take on their form as we let go of our fear and take some risks. Thanks for the great post, Sandi!
Cathy Taughinbaugh The infamous comfort zone! I think it’s one of life’s great ironies that we fight so hard to stay in the comfort zone, but then feel such dissatisfaction with life. Human beings are truly a mystery 😉