Happy. Not happy. Happy. Not happy. Unhappy?
A client likened it to a personal Morse code tapping its way through her brain.
We burst into laughter when she said it out loud. It was the laughter of recognition.
Questioning life. Questioning decisions. Questioning. . .everything. And yeah, I love asking questions and challenging and going deep.
Until I don’t.
Until the day comes when I just don’t want to explore another damn thing.
Socrates said, “The unexamined life is not worth living.”
But did he mean for us to examine ad infinitum?
What happens when you live and breathe personal development?
This thing called human potential is my passion and yet, some days it leaves me feeling exhausted and less clear than when I began.
For example, most of my life I’ve thought of myself as a happy person. I’ve had dark days like anyone else, but for the most part I’ve bounced back pretty well. But there have also been times of noticing (like my client) a cycle of happy – not happy thoughts.
Tap, tap, tap goes the Morse code: Happy. Not happy. Happy. Not happy.
Unhappy. Not happy.
In this code, what became clear was a distinction between the two states, not happy and unhappy.
Unhappy seems much, much worse. Unhappy feels like a slippery slope, with depression lurking in the shadows.
Unhappy lives in the body at a depth most of us want to avoid; like the depths of the ocean where only the brave dare to dive.
Not happy, on the other hand, seems a more common malaise.
Not happy – Unhappy – Not happy – Unhappy
A different code that intrigues me to examine further (Socrates would be proud!), and a gap begins to appear.
Not happy – doesn’t trigger the same kind of judgment I have for unhappy. I just notice that I’m not happy, and I don’t make it mean more than that.
Is not happy going with the flow and accepting what is, even if I don’t like it? And is the gap about experiencing choice?
This might seem an indulgent conversation. How many people have the luxury of exploring their emotional states in this way?
But here’s the thing. . .
Anything that gives us access to a better feeling state is worth exploring.
And understanding how the experience of choice can improve or deepen the happiness you feel in life is profound. It gives you somewhere to begin, such as questioning the belief that you have no choice.
Is it true that you have no choice?
Asking Byron Katie’s profound question, “Is it true?” begins the shift from an internal stuck state to somewhere along the spectrum where there’s a bit more room to breathe.
And in that room, you’ll make better choices.
Yes, there are times when you simply do not have a choice in the circumstances, but I challenge you to consider they are fewer and less frequent than you might believe.
Barring conditions such as mental illness and depression, most of the time you do have a choice in how to respond, and taking the time to examine what’s going on is the first step in cracking your personal happy code!
3 Steps to Cracking Your Happy Code
1. Notice
Imagine a spectrum that covers three states, with happy at one end, not happy in the middle and unhappy at the opposite end. Where are you on the line?
Why this works is it gets you present without judgment instead of listening to the voice of doom in your head.
2. Choose
Once you notice where you are, you can choose to move to a better feeling state. For example, isn’t it refreshing to get that you’re simply not happy in the moment instead of working yourself up into a state of unhappiness that your lizard brain turns into a crisis bordering on depression?
Why it works is even a small movement along the spectrum will get you unstuck and moving in the direction that feels better.
3. Repeat
The more you do this, the more it will become your automatic response and the quicker you can return to a resourceful state.
Why it works is it gets you feeling good on a more consistent basis, and when you feel good you’ll make better more empowered choices.
And ultimately, isn’t that what we all want?
Love love love the steps Sandi! Awareness, as my mentor De Mello said! (I’m a big fan of Byron Katie too!)
I think step one is where the magic is, (again, Awareness), and if you can nail that, you’re moving towards happy. I haven’t worked much with the idea of choosing a better state of mind but I intend to do that. Thanks for these steps. It’s like forming a habit, right? The more you do it, the more you can do it…
Lori Love De Mello and Byron Katie! And the process of reaching for and choosing a better feeling state has its roots in Neuro Linguistic Programming. What I love about seeing it as a spectrum, is once you can locate where you are on the line you can then see that you can choose to move in either direction.
And it IS absolutely like forming a new habit. For a while when I first learned it years ago I would actually start my day with this process.
Sandi Amorim Lori Starting your day by noticing where you are on the happy scale and then scaling it up sounds like a great idea! Hmm… I was just doing a bit of a variation on this starting with “I am the luckiest mom in the world…I am the luckiest woman in the world…I am the luckiest woman who ever lived…” you get the idea. Then automatically, your heart opens and you see how this is true!
🙂
Lori
I stumbled on your post via Twitter, Sandi, and I thought this was a great article. And I don’t think it’s at all an ‘indulgent conversation’; knowing how to access better feeling states is such an important life skill to have! I love Byron Katie’s work too, and include it as part of one of my programs. Great to ‘meet’ you in this happy space 🙂
Kelly Wagner Great to ‘meet’ you too Kelly and thanks for your comment. I agree that it’s not really indulgent, but I have to admit I have days when I miss the days of taking things at face value. Exploring can sometimes lead to over analysis! 😉
First things first and kind of off subject — how the heck/where the heck did you get such a perfect visual for this post?!
Second, oh my goodness, I never thought of the difference between not happy and unhappy, and you’re right. They are different feeling states. Wow. This requires further thought and integration on my part.
Third (I’m so linear today), I’ve noticed that unhappy frequently precedes a great leap forward in that perpetual personal development journey we’re all on. (I agree that the constant personal development can become tiresome. I have my days when I wish I could go back to being blissfully unaware. Except, of course, there was nothing blissful about it. I was miserable. But I digress.)
Not happy is a neutral place for me. Frequently, I’m fine with being there because it feels like a good place to be because I’m cooking something. It’s a place/time for my emotional field to lie fallow — almost a gathering of my breath before the next leg in the personal journey trip.
Carol Hess
First, I took the photo of the typewriter, then reworked it to add my own type to the paper!
Second, when I got the first inkling that they were different it was like a a door flew open and the wind blew in! It had never occurred to me before, and now like you, I’m quite intrigued by it!
Third (because I’m ok with linear!) love the idea that unhappy precedes a leap forward, which makes sense because if we’re simply not happy we’re more likely tolerating how it is. Unhappy causes us to look at what we’re tolerating!
Even though not happy is a neutral state, I can only be with it for so long and then that too becomes intolerable.
And yeah…we can never go back, which seems like the good news/bad news.
Sandi Amorim Carol Hess 🙂
1. Tricky!
2. Blew my hair right back!
3. Yeah, tolerations and not happy go together.
4. Yes, yes.
5. I love lists. 🙂
Yes! I choose happy! Always. And find it very easy to do! As easy as grabbing a cold drink on a hot day.
Vidya Sury You are my poster child for choosing happy! 🙂
Ah, the CHOICE – I love when you remind us of this choice. No judgement – just awareness and choice, over and over again, fresh and new in each sparkling moment.
And to answer your question…I’m pretty darn happy right now :).
Sabrina at MyMiBoSo Pretty darn happy is way off the charts sister! 😉
What’s up Sandi :).
I love this line – “Anything that gives us access to a better feeling state is worth exploring.” I think that is very powerful and a pretty awesome thought :).
I want to throw out an alternative thought. I think sometimes as humans we become overly obsessed with feeling happy. Sometimes. strife and struggle is a very good thing. This means that I don’t think “choosing” to feel better is always a good choice. Sometimes, it much better to sit with the struggle and begin the process of doing the daily grind (which can take a long time) to live a more meaningful life.
I throw out this thought with concern for friends of mine who have a “good job” but in reality they are unfulfilled and unhappy. Yes, they can psyche themselves up by “choosing” to be happy. But in the long run I think it would be more powerful to sit with this struggle and begin making the necessary changes.
I don’t think your post necessarily disagree with what I wrote but I felt compelled to share my thoughts :).
A few years ago I considered my self happy without any doubt. But, life brings in new challenges which I have to face. Obviously, I can live them alone, but the desire to learn something new from the challenges feels a wiser choice than living all my life in my own comfort zone. Someday, it becomes boring.
Today, I’m in the “Not happy” mode and it makes me think and take action.
Sometimes, I’m not sure If want to live in a happy mode. This may stop me from exploring this world deeper.
Though, I might be wrong.
Thanks Sandi for this post.
Interesting perspective, Ion…I agree that being in ‘not happy’ mode is a good time for introspection about *why* you’re not happy, because that does shift us into action to change things for the better.
Yet, I don’t believe you have to purposely stay away from ‘happy mode’ in order to live the kind of conscious life where you DO continue to explore what life’s challenges mean to you. It’s healthy to explore the ‘not happy’ while aiming for joy, all at the same time… 🙂