You will make changes when the shit you’re currently tolerating becomes intolerable.
It’s that simple.
That’s what it takes to shift from tolerating and complaining about life to taking new actions. The pain of what you’re tolerating has to increase to such a degree you can’t take it anymore.
And that is a very good thing, or nothing would ever change.
But mostly we hate that it’s that simple. And we hate that it’s up to us to be responsible for our lives.
Instead, we come up with complicated reasons for dragging these tolerations around like an invisible ball and chain.
“I am free, no matter what rules surround me. If I find them tolerable, I tolerate them; if I find them too obnoxious, I break them. I am free because I know that I alone am morally responsible for everything I do.” – Robert A. Heinlein
So I want you to make a list of all the shit you’re tolerating in your life.
Every single thing that’s not how you want it.
Here’s how this works:
As you can see, it’s not rocket science. But you do have to get straight about the real reasons you’re tolerating shit in your life.
The first reason is a get-out-of-jail-free card, and usually a socially acceptable reason. But it’s also bullshit because all it’s doing is letting you off the hook for being responsible for your own damn life!
The second reason is the truth.
Best case scenario, you’ll be free of the ball and chain, able to take a new action.
Bonus? You’ll restore your integrity instantly.
The alternative?
“Argue for your limitations and they’re yours.” – Richard Bach
Over to you:
- Create your list and tell the truth about why you don’t have what you want.
- For each toleration on your list declare a new action.
FUCKING AWESOME! 🙂 LOVE this!!! And BOOM for a Monday! Thanks Sandi!
FUCKING AWESOME! 🙂 LOVE this!!! And BOOM for a Monday! Thanks Sandi!
@LolaSpeaking Hahaha, you’ve got me laughing in delight! Love you Rita!!!
@Sandi Amorim I realized as I was opening the curtains in my bedroom to leave for the day, my curtain rod fell off and one of the silliest things I’ve been tolerating is my curtain rod not being supportive enough for my beautiful curtains in the sanctuary that is my bedroom. And then it becomes just like any other room. I didn’t put as much effort into designing it if i’m going to be okay with a curtain rod that’s going to fall down every few weeks. No way. It’s so perfect. I don’t tolerate a lot of bit shit in my life, but I most certainly tolerate the little things. So thank you for writing this!
@LolaSpeaking Thing is, it’s often the little tolerations that suck the life out of us! My examples were not made up 😉
and of course by “monday” i meant tuesday.
Bam! One of the things I started asked my students last year was, “Are you looking for excuses or solutions? Because you’ll find what you look for.” It’s so much more empowering to own the reason you’re not moving forward. ‘I’m afraid’ is a much more empowering statement than ‘I don’t have enough time.’
@Ellen Berg OMG I can no longer tolerate the bullshit “I don’t have time” schtick that people dispense when they don’t want to be responsible. I just pulled out of a couple of things I’d committed to earlier this month and I didn’t get into the reasons – because truth is, my reasons don’t matter to that person! So I withdrew from the commitment with sincere apology and a desire to stay connected. What they do with it is not my business 🙂 Your students don’t know the gift you’re giving them but their lives will be impacted all the same!
@Sandi Amorim
Me too! I am so over the “not enough time” excuse that I start to sputter when I hear it from a client or — God forbid — from myself. I am losing patience with the woman who scuttles behind the “I don’t have time because I’m a mother and the children come first” excuse. And then sits back smugly with a certain air of self-sacrifice as if to say, “See? You can’t touch that excuse with a 10′ pole because I’m being a good mother.”
I say bullshit — twice. I say bullshit the first time because sometimes you aren’t being honest. Sometimes the real reason you’re doing (or not doing) something is because you’re scared. Get honest, at least with yourself, and own the real reason you’re not pursuing your dreams. Don’t hide behind the no time/kids excuse.
Bullshit the second time because being a good mother is just as much or more about setting a good example as it is about fulfilling all your child’s wishes. What is going to be more important to your daughter’s future happiness — playing in a soccer game or watching you live life like you mean it?
@Carol Hess Amen Sister!
@Carol Hess Amen Sister!
@Carol Hess “Sometimes the real reason you’re doing (or not doing) something is because you’re scared.”
In my experience, it’s not only sometimes — it’s 99% of the time!
I ran across a quote on Facebook the other day: “Your time, money, and energy always go to what’s most important to you.”
If someone is saying they really want something (a business, a relationship, education, a clean house, ANYTHING) but they’re not putting their time, money, and energy toward it….then those AREN’T the things they really want….no matter how much they think they do.
This all applies to me. And it’s hard to face. But it will also never change without being honest with myself about it.
Off to make my tolerations list!
@Carol Hess “Sometimes the real reason you’re doing (or not doing) something is because you’re scared.”
In my experience, it’s not only sometimes — it’s 99% of the time!
I ran across a quote on Facebook the other day: “Your time, money, and energy always go to what’s most important to you.”
If someone is saying they really want something (a business, a relationship, education, a clean house, ANYTHING) but they’re not putting their time, money, and energy toward it….then those AREN’T the things they really want….no matter how much they think they do.
This all applies to me. And it’s hard to face. But it will also never change without being honest with myself about it.
Off to make my tolerations list!
@LynnHess
Yeah, I hate that part — that my results (for lack of a better word) tell me exactly what I value and how I prioritize my time, money, and energy. That can be an unpleasant dash of cold water in my face! But, you’re right, Lynn. If we don’t get honest about it, then we don’t do something different. If we don’t do something different, we don’t get different results. Simple and so NOT easy. If it were easy, then nobody would have any tolerations to list! 🙂
@Sandi Amorim
Me too! I am so over the “not enough time” excuse that I start to sputter when I hear it from a client or — God forbid — from myself. I am losing patience with the woman who scuttles behind the “I don’t have time because I’m a mother and the children come first” excuse. And then sits back smugly with a certain air of self-sacrifice as if to say, “See? You can’t touch that excuse with a 10′ pole because I’m being a good mother.”
I say bullshit — twice. I say bullshit the first time because sometimes you aren’t being honest. Sometimes the real reason you’re doing (or not doing) something is because you’re scared. Get honest, at least with yourself, and own the real reason you’re not pursuing your dreams. Don’t hide behind the no time/kids excuse.
Bullshit the second time because being a good mother is just as much or more about setting a good example as it is about fulfilling all your child’s wishes. What is going to be more important to your daughter’s future happiness — playing in a soccer game or watching you live life like you mean it?
@Ellen Berg BAM indeed. I felt like she’d hit me with a 2×4 this morning. It was awesome
@Ellen Berg “Are you looking for excuses or solutions? Because you’ll find what you look for.” This one’s going on my “favorite quotes” list!
FABULOUS, woman. Truly. Really, that’s ALL there is to it. Easy? No. Simple? Yes. And the power lies completely within you. Or me. Or … you know, whatever. US. Individually.
@AnnieSisk We do get so crazy complicating things, don’t we? 😉
Love this, Sandi! It’s so true. Once we’ve become aware that we’re out of integrity in some way, it becomes increasingly more difficult to continue to delude ourselves and the pain of not addressing it intensifies the longer we put it off. Until…at some point, the pain of not addressing it outweighs the fear of addressing it.
And then…once we have addressed it…and we’ve seen the amazing benefits, we wonder what took us so long in the first place.
Being out of integrity with ourselves in any aspect of our lives can wreak havoc with EVERY aspect. The upside being that restoring integrity can have some really amazing, and unexpected results as things you didn’t even think we’re connected, fall into place.
It’s so easy to get caught up in our day-to-day lives and to not even recognize all that we’re tolerating or the ways in which we’ve gotten lazy and allowed ourselves to fall out of integrity.
Thank you for such a potent reminder that we don’t have to wait for the pain to become unbearable before we bring more conscious awareness to it.
@LisaWilder I had a couple of things happen yesterday that had me look at my own integrity and tolerations. And yeah, it’s painful and I’d rather pretend that I’m Wonder Woman and Super Coach all rolled up into one, able to take on the world cuz my shit’s all handled!
That exercise is pretty basic right? But it uncovers the truth of what’s going on and that is often enough to get people in action because the pretense becomes more intolerable than the original thing we were tolerating! Make sense? 🙂
@Sandi Amorim Makes perfect sense, Sandi, and I love the simple chart you created. Makes it the essence of simplicity to get started identifying the things you need to address and that’s always the first step.
And I have to say…I am so freakin’ glad that you don’t pretend to be Wonder Woman or Super Coach. I find it incredibly refreshing to find others like you who are willing to be REAL, and I have far more respect for you and for anyone willing to be real, than I do for those that project a facade of perfection that we all know is bullshit. lol…
@LisaWilder I know…and some days, that facade of bullshit is compelling 😉
@Sandi Amorim LOL…oh yes, yes, some days it’s very compelling! ; )
@LisaWilder I had a couple of things happen yesterday that had me look at my own integrity and tolerations. And yeah, it’s painful and I’d rather pretend that I’m Wonder Woman and Super Coach all rolled up into one, able to take on the world cuz my shit’s all handled!
That exercise is pretty basic right? But it uncovers the truth of what’s going on and that is often enough to get people in action because the pretense becomes more intolerable than the original thing we were tolerating! Make sense? 🙂
No time …. yeah bollocks to that! I’ve been clearing out a lot of what I’ve put up with recently and started to laugh at my reasons, truly, they’re a complete joke! and it’s so easy to forget that we can do something about it all if we really want. Great call 🙂
@jackiewalker Bollocks has got to me my new fave word! 🙂
And yeah, the reasons are usually ridiculous and make my BS-o-meter go off!
@jackiewalker Bollocks has got to me my new fave word! 🙂
And yeah, the reasons are usually ridiculous and make my BS-o-meter go off!
“The first reason is a get-out-of-jail-free card, and usually a socially acceptable reason. But it’s also bullshit because all it’s doing is letting you off the hook for being responsible for your own damn life!” – Game over.
@MichaelGarvey Now that the game is over, what’s next? (this is gonna be good!!!)
@Sandi Amorim Be humble in front of myself. Be forgiving for all the effort juice (sweat) I’ve put into a game that stopped serving some time ago. Acknowledge the cost to my being and then love all over myself. Do the happy Snoopy dance celebrating I just Parkoured all over the ass of the useless tolerations no longer serving me. Embrace the new actions. Then to celebrate the energy of completing new actions, make a huge pile of mats 8ft high x 10ft long on the Parkour gym floor, bounce of the tramp onto them, and this time let the kids bury me under the pile of them as we all scream in delight.
@Sandi Amorim Be humble in front of myself. Be forgiving for all the effort juice (sweat) I’ve put into a game that stopped serving some time ago. Acknowledge the cost to my being and then love all over myself. Do the happy Snoopy dance celebrating I just Parkoured all over the ass of the useless tolerations no longer serving me. Embrace the new actions. Then to celebrate the energy of completing new actions, make a huge pile of mats 8ft high x 10ft long on the Parkour gym floor, bounce of the tramp onto them, and this time let the kids bury me under the pile of them as we all scream in delight.
Don’t us ‘nice’ girls often duck and cover with the commendable cloak called ‘compromise’! But we all know it eventually becomes compro-misery! sigh
Time to whip off the cloak of compro-misery and chuck the nice girl schtick!!!
@Sandi Amorim I love everything about your reply to Rita’s post Sandi. “cloak” “compro-misery” “chuck” and “schtick” love love love them all!
Don’t us ‘nice’ girls often duck and cover with the commendable cloak called ‘compromise’! But we all know it eventually becomes compro-misery! sigh
I compiled a list of tolerations in a coaching program I was part of and haven’t looked at them in quite a while. Some of them stare me in the face every day–like my messy desk. So this post is a great reminder to get that list out and start working on it. Thanks!
@CharlotteRDixon Thing with tolerations is there are always new ones to be cleaned up!
@CharlotteRDixon Thing with tolerations is there are always new ones to be cleaned up!
I’ve always just listed my tolerations and then done (or not done) something about them. But digging down to the REAL reason behind the toleration and its cost makes the whole exercise that much more powerful. Once we know what we know, we can’t pretend we don’t know it. Tolerations are the weeds in our garden of life. They need to be pulled out by the roots on a regular basis. Sure, some will grow back, but they will be fewer and easier to uproot.
I’ve always just listed my tolerations and then done (or not done) something about them. But digging down to the REAL reason behind the toleration and its cost makes the whole exercise that much more powerful. Once we know what we know, we can’t pretend we don’t know it. Tolerations are the weeds in our garden of life. They need to be pulled out by the roots on a regular basis. Sure, some will grow back, but they will be fewer and easier to uproot.
@Carol Hess Great analogy, weeds. Tolerations are exactly like that; they will always grow back which is why this is a great exercise to keep your garden full of what you love 🙂
And yeah…that REAL reason is a bitch. Sigh.
Sandi, I love when you “rattle my cage”! I’m tolerating my inconsistent yoga home practice right now as I “don’t have the energy or discipline.” The real reason is that I focus on what’s in front of me – which is usually my computer screen.Solution? Putting my mat next to my meditation cushion (which I do show up to every day) and committing just 5 sun salutations to start with so that I can build a foundation to grow from.Whew, that felt good. THANK YOU!
Sandi, I love when you “rattle my cage”! I’m tolerating my inconsistent yoga home practice right now as I “don’t have the energy or discipline.” The real reason is that I focus on what’s in front of me – which is usually my computer screen.Solution? Putting my mat next to my meditation cushion (which I do show up to every day) and committing just 5 sun salutations to start with so that I can build a foundation to grow from.Whew, that felt good. THANK YOU!
@Sabrina at MyMiBoSo What a great idea! Make it easy and convenient to keep your word!!! Going to implement that myself, so thank YOU Sabrina 🙂
Hi Sandi, I’m late but glad I’m here! Seems I’m three posts in this morning and already seeing a theme – of “change” and of “taking new action” Check out what bdorman264 wrote about it here: http://billdorman.me/2012/07/05/groundhog-day-the-movie-your-life/
I love your chart! Such simple solutions. And the quote by Bach! (Did you ever read his book “One”?
Happy Thursday!
Lori
@Lori Thanks for adding another book to my list! 😉
Sometimes I think I am obsessed with change! So many of us avoid it, but I go looking for it! And over the years I’ve learned many tricks to take away the sting of change. Some people though are much more compelled by sameness, which to me feels stagnant and boring. It’s really a filter from which we view the world, no?
While I do like change more than most people I know, I think the experience of Groundhog Day would make me crazy! Funny that you thought of that in July Bill, bdorman264
@Sandi Amorim Social was a big change for me and it made me much more tolerant of other changes that were happening in my day job. I’m ok with change, I feel if keep me learning and relevant.
Thx for the comment at my place.
@Sandi Amorim bdorman264 The book is a treasure [ read: don’t rush through it – you’ll regret it – I did :-o]
that I just happened to find on a reduced book table in the mall. I wish I could go back and read it again for the first time!
@Lori Maybe I need a chart like that, huh?
@bdorman264 You?! I don’t think so! Me? Definitely! 😉
@Lori @bdorman264 I leave town and you two keep chatting here! Glad I left the key out, make yourselves at home 😉
@Lori @bdorman264 I leave town and you two keep chatting here! Glad I left the key out, make yourselves at home 😉