“One regret, dear world,
That I am determined not to have
When I am lying on my deathbed
Is that I did not kiss you enough.” – Hafiz
If you could know the precise time and place of your death, would you want to know?
How would your life change?
Maybe you’ll think I’ve become obsessed with death, but if you did you’d be wrong. This is about becoming obsessed with the opposite – living life fully.
You see, yesterday I got word that an acquaintance passed away. He was not yet 50.
It was the kind of wake-up call that rattles complacency, and it rattled me more than I expected. I heard the news as a call to go deeper with my commitment to challenge ‘someday thinking’.
I didn’t ask for this path and it’s sure as hell not comfortable; the voice in my head shouting, “Who the hell do you think you are to shake things up?”
Somewhere along the way, without realizing at first, I became a waker.
That’s who I am. And I don’t always like it.
But resistance is futile as you probably know.
A waker, a cage-rattler, a warrior for you to step up and shine. Not much comfort on this path.
I call bullshit on your reasons and excuses. I challenge your status quo. And I rock the boat. . .often.
I will not settle for anything less.
Except when I do.
And it takes a serious reminder like illness and death to remind me of what I’m committed to, and what lights me up each day.
After I heard yesterday’s news, one question kept coming to mind…
If you died today what regrets would you have?
That question went round and round in my mind until I got that’s where the work is – to move away from regrets and towards a life of satisfaction.
Making a difference for ourselves while we can.
In Regrets of the Dying, Bonnie Ware shared the wisdom that comes from knowing you are about to die and the common themes that arise near the end. Of course, the cosmic joke is we’re all going to die, we just don’ t know when.
Wake Up – There Are Other Possibilities for Life
I took these regrets, examining them more closely and here’s what showed up:
1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
The most common regret of all and the reason I do what I do. Consuming yourself with the expectations and opinions of others is the fastest route to a life of regret. How can you start to break this one up?
“Bones mend. Regret stays with you forever.” – Patrick Rothfuss
Action: Ask yourself what one small action you can take every day. Then do that one thing before anything else.
Make it a promise. To yourself, to your dream, to the sacredness of your life. Then honour that promise, because your life depends on it. You do not have to die with unfulfilled dreams and this saddest of regrets.
2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.
Consider it’s not about working so hard, but rather the enjoyment you feel at your work. I’ve said this before, but work has gotten a bad rap. The key is to make sure your work has meaning for you, and the best way I know to get this is to be clear on your values.
Do you know what yours are? And if you do, do you honour them?
“The most regretful people on earth are those who felt the call to creative work, who felt their own creative power restive and uprising, and gave to it neither power nor time.” – Mary Oliver
Action: Download this Values Alignment exercise to get clear.
Then start making more conscious choices. One value at a time, you can transform your life.
3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
Self-expression is what’s called for, so the place to look is what’s in the way of you expressing? What are you so afraid of?
What is so bad about you and your thoughts that you can’t let them out?
Suppressed emotions lead to suppressed living. Kill me now if that’s the only choice. . .but thank God it’s not!
“When I look at my life I realise that the mistakes I have made, the things I really regret, were not errors of judgement but failures of feeling.” – Jeanette Winterson
Action: Start speaking your truth. Start small, practice daily.
Choose your words with integrity and feel the freedom of expressing yourself. Truth is most people are too busy worrying about what you’re thinking of them to spend any time thinking of you!
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
In a world so connected by technology, it’s easier than ever to disconnect and hide out. Maybe you don’t realize it at first, it can be slow and insidious.
It’s definitely a pitfall for those of us who are self-employed. One of the joys of the Summer Camp is witnessing the connections growing between the entrepreneurs in the program.
“The only regret I will have in dying is if it is not for love.” – Gabriel García Márquez
Action: Look for incompletions in your relationships.
Did you break your word? Clean it up. Disappear from someone’s life? Reconnect and open your heart. Stop trying so hard to protect yourself.
You’re missing out. . .on the best part of life.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
This isn’t about depression and how it steals all resourcefulness. For those moments in life, it’s not a simple choice and I don’t dispute that one bit. It is though about the rest of your life when choice is a possibility.
Negative thinking patterns are just that, patterns. And it is possible to interrupt them, even those you’ve held your whole life. Not easy – but doable.
Part of the challenge of this regret is our obsession with getting rid of the old habit instead of creating a new one. Old patterns and beliefs are comfortable and familiar. Also soul-sucking.
“I want to live my life so that my nights are not full of regrets.” – D. H. Lawrence
Action: Check in with yourself. Ask “How do I want to feel?” every morning as you start your day.
Then again when you sit down to work. Then again when you reach out to connect.
How do you want to feel? This is without a doubt a question that will transform your life if you let it.
How do you want to feel? Playful, satisfied, happy. . .you get to choose, every single day.
Start saying something new. Create a new template, one that leaves no room for regrets.
“Maybe all one can do is hope to end up with the right regrets.” – Arthur Miller
I’m trying not to dwell on the mediocrity I settled for in the moments that have been lived, but rather take each sweep of the minute hand as a challenge to live with certainty of purpose
@Crayon Wrangler Yes! It’s only regret if we keep the past alive. If we get the learning and make even one small change, we impact the future.
22 years ago, when one of my sons died, I SWORE I’d never forget how precious every minute is – but I have, often…
I also went into grief & trauma work partly because sitting with/being witness to people dealing with those huge issues affirms LIFE (people working through grief and trauma often allow their experiences to open them up to life – and being witness to that, sitting with them in their dark places, is so humbling and beautiful – just sayin’) – anyway, when I did that work I SWORE I’d never forget how precious every moment is, but I have – often…
I think these kinds of reminders, beautiful posts like you’ve written – are vital. Maybe we can’t live always in the knowledge that every second could be our last – every minute needs to be loved & lived NOW – maybe it’s too much for us, anxiety or angst creating – I don’t know … but I DO know that I need frequent reminders – and it seems like everyone else does too – Thank you so much for this one!!
@SquarePegKaren It’s about acknowledging that we’ll forget and slip, and that there’s really nothing to make ourselves wrong for. I am stunned each time I get a reminder like this and I look up from my keyboard at life around me, often to find I’ve forgotten how precious each moment is.
The bad news is…people keep dying. The good news is…people die and their death wakes us up.
xoS
Wow. Sandi, this post touches my heart and spurs my soul into action.
I’m taking you up on Challenge #3 by speaking my truth with integrity in every moment, circumstance, and relationship. I find I hold back just a bit sometimes when I fear that my light will be rejected – sucked up even – but really, that’s just ego talking. No one can take my light because it’s just flowing through me to other people – so I need to let that go and lovingly say “what is so.” Thank you for always being such an inspiration to me to really LIVE my truth!
@Sabrina at MyMiBoSo For me there’s very little as damaging as suppressing my feelings. Do I always express them well? No, but I do my best to clean them up if I haven’t. The alternative is just too great a cost to my aliveness and well being!
I’ve discovered over the years when I say ‘what’s so’ from a place of what works and/or what doesn’t work, people hear can hear it because it’s less personal!
@Sabrina at MyMiBoSo For me there’s very little as damaging as suppressing my feelings. Do I always express them well? No, but I do my best to clean them up if I haven’t. The alternative is just too great a cost to my aliveness and well being!
I’ve discovered over the years when I say ‘what’s so’ from a place of what works and/or what doesn’t work, people hear can hear it because it’s less personal!
Fuck! Now you know I loved this post THAT much if I’m swearing. Because you know I don’t do that. Sandi. Let’s chat. You’re fucking awesome and THIS post is fucking awesome. And it’s all so fucking awesome.
@LolaSpeaking Love you Rita, love your response! It IS all so fucking awesome…and then we forget. So now I’m up for exploring how to remember more consistently. Having you in my life is definitely a great way to keep it alive! xoS
@LolaSpeaking No cussing please; this is a family site…….and don’t get so worked up either………..sheesh…………I’m a sensitive guy………..
@bdorman264 Bill meet Rita @LolaSpeaking who refuses to be suppressed 😉
@bdorman264 Bill meet Rita @LolaSpeaking who refuses to be suppressed 😉
So, what are you saying, ‘live with no regrets?’ If today was ‘my day’ I would be ok; I haven’t missed out on too much and whatever is left on my bucket list, are probably not things I would run out and do if I only had a month.
It does make me want to be more in tune with what I do have and be thankful for that. I try to live more within the moment and not always wondering ‘what’s next?’ However, when you have a simple mind like I do, that can be pretty easy to do………..:).
@bdorman264 I think what really struck home for me was not so much about living with no regrets, but if you’ve got them already is there anything you can do about them? And also, by asking that question, “If I died today what would I regret?” I open the door to what’s important to me for the future.
We all make mistakes and have regrets. It’s what we do with them that makes a difference! I’ve told you before, I really appreciate your view of life 🙂
Sandi this is fab! It totally speaks of what my blog post today was about – being happy and my journey towards it! If you are interested it’s here! http://karenblackburn.co.uk/?p=323
Karen,
Just read the post and I love how you discovered the power of asking yourself questions! Love the exploration 🙂
Oof…this hits home in a big way. “I wish I had let myself be happier.” I’ll be honest, I actually have many regrets and my life’s only (hopefully) half over. Some of those regrets I had little or no control over and maybe it’s time to let them go and open up that space for living in this moment, right now…where regrets don’t matter.
Thank you for this reminder, sister.
@JennyBBones Yeah, it’s not so much about living without regrets. I don’t think that’s possible even! It’s more what we do with our regrets that has such an impact of the future.
No surprise sister, that same regret “I wish I had let myself be happier” smacked me upside the head!
Hi Sandi,
You immediately took my breath away with the first quote and the photo. I’ve taken most of the last two months off, to play more and work less. I was just getting back into the swing of things when my middle daughter called and asked if I was coming back to MI for the annual blueberry picking day with my grandchildren. I didn’t commit. I’ve been dragging my feet. After reading this, I’m thinking WTF, I’m going!
Also I was obsessing about not knowing anyone at the WDS…that’s why I decided to say my plan was to have fun…looking forward to the flash mob and a million other happy moments that the universe will surprise me with;)
@TheBoldLife You’ll know ME at WDS 🙂 How much fun will we have, especially when we hook up with the fabulous Farnoosh Brock !
Delighted the post spoke to you! Thank you so much for letting me know!
p.s. 9 sleeps till WDS 🙂
@Sandi Amorim @TheBoldLife Farnoosh Brock Can’t wait to live it up with all of you at WDS!
Sorry for your loss. I have buried more than a few friends and that is a big part of why I am pushing had to make certain changes in my life.
It really is too short and we don’t know when it can all come to a crashing halt. I would rather live and fail than fail to live.
@TheJackB When we live and fail there’s always learning which trumps regrets every time!
I have a lot of trouble with this list.
I really enjoy what I do, so I’m -constantly- working… I think maybe I should be -constantly- working on the things I think are important, though, and I tend to do a lot more work on things I don’t like rather than things I do.
Guess I’d better re-evaluate my values! 😀
@ImNickArmstrong Yup, wake up calls are good for causing re-evaluation, that’s for damn sure!
All of these regrets have resonated with me at various points in my life. And I’m with @JennyBBones , regrets are there, they’re inevitable – but I’m ready to accept what can’t be changed and move on to embrace this wild and wonderful life I have left. Last year I got more of these wake up calls than I want to say! I resolved to follow what I feel and desire and not what I perceive I’m supposed to do. Be the change I want to see – not just in the world, but in myself.
I stumble and fall back and few steps, I get up again, brush off and push forward. Toward a life of wonder, joy and self expression.
I love this reminder to consider how I want to FEEL! I love my work, but if sitting at my desk starts to feel stagnant – how do I want to feel? Reinvigorated. Time to dance in the living room or run around the yard!
@saraho Please, please, please take a photo of yourself dancing in your living room! I would so love to see that 🙂
@Sandi Amorim I’ll try Sandi – if I can figure out how to take one of myself while dancing! Maybe it will be one of my shitty videos that I plant to make next month. Truth be told I’m running around the yard a bit more these days. Living room dancing tends to happen more when the weather’s cold and crummy
@Sandi Amorim I’ll try Sandi – if I can figure out how to take one of myself while dancing! Maybe it will be one of my shitty videos that I plant to make next month. Truth be told I’m running around the yard a bit more these days. Living room dancing tends to happen more when the weather’s cold and crummy
@saraho Please, please, please take a photo of yourself dancing in your living room! I would so love to see that 🙂
No. 1 and No. 3 were my biggies in a marriage that I should have cut off 10 years earlier than I did. I let my spouse dictate to me about treatment of his children/my stepchildren and when we split I felt so bad about what had happened. I spent tearful hours on the phone with my daughter and my stepdaughter confessing my sins. My daughter, although she had been affected by it also, understood because she had been there. My stepdaughter was loving enough to tell me that at least I “got it” and apologized for it, which was more than her father would ever do and she and I now have a wonderful relationship.
Best of all, I now love ‘out loud’ and do what I can and want to do to help the kids and the grandchildren. I am so much happier in my life. And no more regrets.
@SarahB Thanks so much for sharing Sarah! What’s gotten really clear today is that it’s not about living with no regrets. It’s about learning from them and moving forward as you’ve so beautifully shared.
@SarahB Thanks so much for sharing Sarah! What’s gotten really clear today is that it’s not about living with no regrets. It’s about learning from them and moving forward as you’ve so beautifully shared.
Sandi, this post really tocuhed a nerve for me as last year Team Davies had a fairly hefty wake up call. I was running a session with a room full of Self Employed Women when a call came it – it was a paramedic saying that my husband had been in a serious car accident and to get to the hospital.
I knew it must be bad as I know he would have spoken to me himself if he could. But he couldn’t. He was trapped in the car with a number of broken ribs, breathing difficulties and legs, stomach and chest bashed up.
They had to cut the roof off to get him out. I sat at the hosipital for an hour before he arrived at the hospital in the ambulance. For that whole hour I didn’t know what state he was in.It is a horrific feeling I can’t put in to words.
But we were lucky. Although it is a horrific smash and even the police said they don’t know how he survived it, his injuries were not life threatening.
It is easy to take your plans for life for granted and think you have plenty of time to make them happen. But the reality is that you don’t know when something will suddenly happen that will rob you of the opportunity to have the life you want with the people you want.
Wake up calls don’t always have happy endings like ours did. And that is why it is so important to not wait for a wake up call before you grab your life by the scruff of the neck and shake it into something you really love.
Thank you for raising this topic. A subject close to my heart and an important one to bang the drum about.
Sandi, this post really tocuhed a nerve for me as last year Team Davies had a fairly hefty wake up call. I was running a session with a room full of Self Employed Women when a call came it – it was a paramedic saying that my husband had been in a serious car accident and to get to the hospital.
I knew it must be bad as I know he would have spoken to me himself if he could. But he couldn’t. He was trapped in the car with a number of broken ribs, breathing difficulties and legs, stomach and chest bashed up.
They had to cut the roof off to get him out. I sat at the hosipital for an hour before he arrived at the hospital in the ambulance. For that whole hour I didn’t know what state he was in.It is a horrific feeling I can’t put in to words.
But we were lucky. Although it is a horrific smash and even the police said they don’t know how he survived it, his injuries were not life threatening.
It is easy to take your plans for life for granted and think you have plenty of time to make them happen. But the reality is that you don’t know when something will suddenly happen that will rob you of the opportunity to have the life you want with the people you want.
Wake up calls don’t always have happy endings like ours did. And that is why it is so important to not wait for a wake up call before you grab your life by the scruff of the neck and shake it into something you really love.
Thank you for raising this topic. A subject close to my heart and an important one to bang the drum about.
@Ali_Davies What an extraordinary story Ali! So many wake-up calls don’t have the happy ending that you experienced with your family. Did the upcoming move come out of this experience or was it already in place?
@Sandi Amorim Yes it did. We have been big on designing our ideal life since we escaped the corporate world 10 years ago. But Martin’s accident made us realise we had slipped back from our usual approach to life and had got in a bit of a rut.
So once Martin was well on the road to recovery, we sat down with a blank piece of paper and asked how we would shape our lives if we were starting from stratch again. And over a few weeks the blank piece of paper morphed into out latest road map for the life we really want for our family.
We are now making the blank piece of paper exercise an annual event, just as a health check to make sure we don’t slip back into that rut again. Lots of fun!!
@Sandi Amorim Yes it did. We have been big on designing our ideal life since we escaped the corporate world 10 years ago. But Martin’s accident made us realise we had slipped back from our usual approach to life and had got in a bit of a rut.
So once Martin was well on the road to recovery, we sat down with a blank piece of paper and asked how we would shape our lives if we were starting from stratch again. And over a few weeks the blank piece of paper morphed into out latest road map for the life we really want for our family.
We are now making the blank piece of paper exercise an annual event, just as a health check to make sure we don’t slip back into that rut again. Lots of fun!!
@Ali_Davies So inspiring. Thanks for sharing the story and the result. Can’t wait to have you here to connect further!
@Ali_Davies So inspiring. Thanks for sharing the story and the result. Can’t wait to have you here to connect further!
Wow Sandi,
This is a great post. I am fascinated by each of these regrets. Each of them are very powerful. I strongly believe that we must approach everyday with intensity to make the most of it.
Everyday is such a big deal! We are either moving forward or backward. I thin the concept of stagnance is a falsehood. If I am not growing and learning today then I am moving backwards. Why? Because if In 10 years I have learned nothing will I still feel the same I do now? No, I won’t. I will feel regrets for no taking advantage of the last 10 year.
As I was going through the article I kept wondering: How do we go about living an Authentic life? You brought up finding out values. I think this is a superb suggestion. I read The 7 habits of highly effective people earlier this year and I went through and really identified my values. It was truly a life changing book.
@30YearOldninja For me, values are the key to everything! I know Tim Brownson and I think similarly on this. It doesn’t surprise me then that you and I connected through your guest post on Tim’s site. When I’m honouring my values, I connect more easily to people and opportunities that light me up and make me smile!
@30YearOldninja For me, values are the key to everything! I know Tim Brownson and I think similarly on this. It doesn’t surprise me then that you and I connected through your guest post on Tim’s site. When I’m honouring my values, I connect more easily to people and opportunities that light me up and make me smile!
@30YearOldninja I’d be interested to know if you have really nailed your values. in 7 years of coaching I have never had a client that had nailed it. I’ve had plenty that thought they had mind you 😉
@TimBrownson @30YearOldninja But once you do nail it, it’s amazing! They act like an internal GPS and when I ignore them, there’s hell to pay!
@Sandi Amorim@TimBrownson
Haha :). Well, allow me to raise the flag early and say I have not “nailed it”. There are certain values that I feel very strongly about such as authenticity and integrity. But at this point in my life, I don’t feel like I have had enough life experience to truly have them nailed down.
My experience in Japan has definitely fast forwarded my progress in gaining some insights into my values. The most fascinating thing is certain things I have experienced that really irk me… When I first came here I didn’t understand why. Now, I realize it is because it strongly went against my values.
@TimBrownson haha :). Well, allow me to raise the flag early and say I have not “nailed it”. There are certain values that I feel very strongly about such as authenticity and integrity. But at this point in my life, I don’t feel like I have had enough life experience to truly have them nailed down.
My experience in Japan has definitely fast forwarded my progress in gaining some insights into my values. The most fascinating thing is certain things I have experienced that really irk me… When I first came here I didn’t understand why. Now, I realize it is because it strongly went against my values.
@TimBrownson
Haha :). Well, allow me to raise the flag early and say I have not “nailed it”. There are certain values that I feel very strongly about such as authenticity and integrity. But at this point in my life, I don’t feel like I have had enough life experience to truly have them nailed down.
My experience in Japan has definitely fast forwarded my progress in gaining some insights into my values. The most fascinating thing is certain things I have experienced that really irk me… When I first came here I didn’t understand why. Now, I realize it is because it strongly went against my values.
Love the “If you could know the precise time and place of your death, how would your life change?” question. For me it reinforces my commitment to live each day—each moment—from a place of awareness and choice. And you know me, whenever I remember (which is more and more) that I DO have a choice, I choose joy. And peace. And love.
I also like the “work” question/regret. And I think you’re right—”work” HAS had a bad rap. Like you, what’s important to me is to do work that has meaning for me, work that is aligned with my values (of inspiration, empowerment and connection).
Then—no matter how many hours I put in in a day, or how tired I get—I’m happy to be “working”. Because I’m creating a world of joy—not only with my being, but with my doing!
And—there’s nowhere to get. I love that part too. 🙂
@jasonbsugar Dude, you embody this way of living in a way that inspires me. Thank you for choosing joy and then turning around and sharing it with so generously! xoS
Yup, the trick is to shift from “I wish I had” to “I’m sure glad I do”. What a difference that will make. Powerful post here, Sugar. Powerful.
@whollyjeanne Oh my, is there anything sadder than “I wish I had…” I think that’s why this work is so compelling to me. We have more power than we think and to die with such sad thoughts and regrets is so unnecessary.
@whollyjeanne Oh my, is there anything sadder than “I wish I had…” I think that’s why this work is so compelling to me. We have more power than we think and to die with such sad thoughts and regrets is so unnecessary.
Wow @Sandi Amorim this really made me sit up in my seat. Yes, all too often we run around forgetting to live life to the fullest … I do have a list of things I want to do before I die – most of them are grand plans but some are really silly, easily achievable ones that I like to repeat often. Having a little one helps me keep things in perspective and seize a few hours per day to make sure I live my life. All too often we get confused when we work for ourselves; we work to live but we often flip it round and miss out! Great food for thought as always. Thanks!
Wow @Sandi Amorim this really made me sit up in my seat. Yes, all too often we run around forgetting to live life to the fullest … I do have a list of things I want to do before I die – most of them are grand plans but some are really silly, easily achievable ones that I like to repeat often. Having a little one helps me keep things in perspective and seize a few hours per day to make sure I live my life. All too often we get confused when we work for ourselves; we work to live but we often flip it round and miss out! Great food for thought as always. Thanks!
@Ameenafalchetto The image of your little one showing you the way is so sweet, and you’re right…they are so good at keeping us present and in the moment and in the moment, there’s no room for regrets.. There’s only choice.
Wow, Sandi, thank you. This is landing very very powerfully for me today. “Someday thinking” indeed.
You have sparked an internal dialog that I sorely needed.
Love and light,
Sue
@MagnoliasWest Love when those sparks happen!
I’m long in the tooth, but still have some time to go. There was a time before – no thoughts of what you’ve posted. Then came a time when my teeth were fully grown and these thoughts passed by me. Now as I work at keeping my teeth in my mouth, and my digestion has improved, the wording on death/regrets you’ve presented sink deeper into my experience. I do have regrets. What I like about the 5 points above, at least I believe, is the universality of them. They have faded into the background for a while now. It was like riding my lawn tractor through the apple trees and not seeing the branch that poked me on my bald forehead. Thanks for the poke Sandi. Absolutely loved the post. Much appreciation.
@MichaelGarvey I think we all need that poke now and then Michael. For we get complacent and our awareness fades as we get caught up in the every dayness of life. And I’m not so much talking about a life with no regrets, because frankly, I don’t think that’s possible. It’s just that while there’s time (and if you got the poke, there’s time!) we can change how we feel about those regrets, shifting them to another frequency if you will, so that they no longer carry the same sting. Does that make sense?
@Sandi Amorim Totally!!
Just felt the need to read this post again. Thank you for being the waker, @Sandi Amorim .
Just felt the need to read this post again. Thank you for being the waker, @Sandi Amorim .