How to Stop Singing the Blues

 

You’re on top of the world, feeling good and life blindsides you.

What do you do?

Do you pick yourself up right away and move onto the next task at hand?

Or do you sing your own personal version of the blues?

We’ve all been down that road. But what I’m curious about is how you get through it. Just to be clear, I’m not saying there’s one right way to get through it.

On the contrary.

What works for you may not work for someone else, even when you have a similar issue.

So how do you know what will work?

Experimentation and good ol’ fashioned research! Over the years I’ve tried numerous ways to get myself through it when the blues come out of nowhere and pull me in!

While it’s not always easy to coach yourself (in fact, sometimes it’s nearly impossible!) the more tools you have in your toolkit, the more resourceful you’ll become over time. Not quite the same as having your own coach on speed dial, but in a pinch, self coaching can make enough of a difference to get you heading in the right direction.

If you’re like me, there are times in life when you can still be knocked off kilter when things don’t go the way you’d planned, and head into a tail-spin of “Lady Sings the Blues!”

Let’s start with how the past becomes fodder for the blues:

Grade 9: That’s Miss President to you

Smart, funny and I got along with everyone without belonging to any one clique. A teacher suggested I run for school president saying with my grades and good attitude, I’d be a shoe-in to win. I’ve always liked being in charge (I know, what a surprise!) so off I went with more hope and attitude than those kids on Glee! Friends rallied on my behalf, teachers supported me and things looked good. Everyone said I would win.

And then? I didn’t.

(cue sad, bluesy music…)

You’ve got the scenario right? That was the first time I’d ever experienced anything like that and it was devastating.

30 years old: Future’s so bright I’ve gotta wear shades

I’m young and happy, about to move to New York with my fiance! I am so excited about living in the Big Apple and soon, I’ll be planning a wedding. Yes sirree Bob, life is good.

And then? Out of the blue, less than a month after we’d moved, it was over. Relationship ended, heart broken, no idea what to do with my life.

(music louder now and I think I can hear Billie Holiday. . .)

Different scenario. Same emotional upset as grade 9.

Present day: WTF?

I’ve been invited to throw my hat in the ring for a contract position with an organization I admire. I’m intrigued, inspired by what they’re up to and I apply. The interviews go well, I’ve already developed good relationships within the company and I even get an email from a key player saying “Looking forward to having you on the team.” I feel good and positivity is oozing from my pores!

And then? Out of the blue, I get – “We’re calling to let you know you didn’t get the position.”

Different scenario. Same damn emotional upset.

(not sure who’s wailing louder now, Billie or me!)

And that’s how I come to be here with the perfect material for a wailin’ blues number (and blog post.) I’m singin’ it loud, that old familiar song, feeling the pain and disappointment, the drama, the tears, but wait. . .

A funny thing happens. From somewhere in the recesses of my mind come two very interesting thoughts that stop me in mid-wail:

1.  The emotional upset was way more intense than the situation called for.

That’s usually a sign that it’s not about the current issue but rather something incomplete from the past. Remember the grade 9 incident? All the drama, hurt and disappointment of my ninth grader lurking in my subconscious, waiting to be unleashed.

No wonder it was a doozy!

2.  The upset wasn’t really about the contract I’d failed to get.

I was grieving the loss of my dreams. You see, in the weeks leading up to this, I’d begun to dream: of what the position would make available, and what it would mean for the future. In my mind I had already planned some travel, reorganized my schedule to include more writing time, and imagined the thrill of working with an organization that held an inspiring mission.

In each of the above scenarios, I had anchored the outcome I wanted so firmly in my mind that when it didn’t happen the way I’d been imagining, it felt like the rug had been pulled out from under me, leaving me stunned.

Each time, the emotion became more intense, building on the previous upset, each unique but with a very familiar feel. Each time, being pulled deeper into the state we call the blues.

You’ve got your version. You can’t avoid it; it’s part of being human.

Now what?

 

The “how to stop singing the blues” toolkit:

1.  Get emotional

More than likely, you’ve been conditioned to not fully express your emotions. In Dr. Phil’s infamous words, “How’s that working for you?”

Imagine for a moment trying to stop a storm. Your emotions are a lot like that storm. You can’t control either one, so stop wasting your energy!

Put on your favourite PJ’s, grab your comfy blanket and box of tissue and let it rip. Seriously!

Let. It. Out.

Keeping it in is bad for your well being. Emotions, like weather, need to run their course.

Give yourself a timeline, i.e. “I’m going to feel lousy till Sunday night, and then I’m moving on.”

Chances are, you won’t be able to keep it going as long as you think.

“Do not apologize for crying. Without this emotion, we are only robots.” – Elizabeth Gilbert

 

2.  Get support

Rally the troops, call your friends, let them love and take care of you. Really, you do not have to be the strong one all the time. Trust me on this; I’ve spent over 40 years being the strong, reliable one. Sometimes you really must have a shoulder to cry on.

ASK FOR SUPPORT.

You might be surprised at what shows up when you let people in. It’ll be different for everyone and that’s perfect. Remember, there’s no right way to do this. Ask for what you want, take care of your Self and get what you need.

“It is the very design of life to support other life and to grow greater by the support of other living things.” – Robert Marston Fanney

3.  Get out of the spin

Grab your journal, your laptop, a blank piece of paper. I don’t care what your medium is, just go through this process I call “spin journaling.”

Write. It. Out.

Answer as many of these questions as you can.

Get all the negative shit out of your head and onto the paper. Express it, release it, and get off the merry-go-round that is spinning in your head.

• What happened? / What’s the challenge or upset?
• How do you feel about it? / Why does this bother you?
• What is your role in this situation?
• What has to happen to resolve this situation ideally?
• What action can you take?
• What support would make it easier to follow through?
• What can you appreciate about the experience?

“Write about the emotions you fear the most.” – Laurie Halse Anderson

4.  Get moving

I know, you’re in a funk, you don’t feel like moving but I’ve got three little words for you – Just. Do.It.

Seriously, even a simple walk around the block can diffuse the negative energy. First of all, you probably don’t want to be seen crying and carrying on in public! (that’s what #1 is for) And secondly, it’s much harder to sustain feeling lousy when you’re breathing fresh air and noticing the world around you.

Walk, run, go for a bike ride, do some yoga; just get your body moving and the endorphins are sure to follow!

 

5.  Get groovin’

Get out the tunes! Load up the stereo, crank your iPod and get groovin’.

Put on some Abba, Madonna and other old school favourites. The livelier the better.

Or if you must, grab that wacky Lady Gaga. Whatever turns your crank!

You know what gets your toes tapping and feeling good again. Don’t be surprised to find yourself suddenly singing along and feeling way better!

6.  Look for the gift

What did you learn? How can you apply it to other areas of your life?

Take the time to get the learnings before you begin to move forward. Getting the gift makes all the difference. It helps you proceed with new resources and wisdom. It strengthens your intuitive muscle, develops all kinds of skills and starts you on the path of feeling good.

The gift is always there if you look for it.

“There can be no transforming of darkness into light and of apathy into movement without emotion.” – Carl Jung

 

These tools won’t stop life from blindsiding you. They won’t even stop the upset from happening!

They will however get you through your funk faster so that you can get back to living a life you love.