We need to talk.
If we were dating, it’d be time to fess up (I’m on a roll, this is my second confession this week) and that scares me.
Since we started seeing each other four months ago (has it really only been 4 months?) I’ve been wanting to make a good impression, wanting to show you my best.
Except…
What I thought was my best was not.
Likable, nice, funny, smart – check.
My best? Not so much.
I’m saying this because I’ve had moments of:
- biting my tongue
- suppressing myself
- ignoring my instincts
- sweeping a thought under the rug
I have stopped myself in so many ways from saying what I wanted to say. But enough is enough; this can’t go on.
If I could say anything, I’d say what I wanted to say, straight up.
I’ve been afraid.
“Do one thing everyday that scares you.” – Eleanor Roosevelt
Afraid that you’d think I’m too intense, too driven, too passionate, too caring…too…something. Fill in the blank.
But what I got recently after a marathon conversation with a good friend was that I can only hold it in for so long and then, like a pressure cooker I’m going to blow. And when it gets to that point? Well, let’s just say it’s not pretty!
My clients count on me for being direct, a straight up, tell-it-like-it-is coach and I deliver. Sometimes I am stunned at what I blurt out and get away with. Why do they take it? Why don’t they react, get defensive and tell me off?
Somehow they know that everything I say to them is coming from a place of love and support and I would do almost anything to help them.
So when I call them on their shit, they hear it with love. When I shine the light on their deep dark stories, they feel love. And when I interrupt those stories and ask yet another damn question, they get my love.
Love.
If I could say anything, I’d tell you I love you and that I’ve suppressed that in my writing.
The most fundamental part of me, the part that wants to make a difference more than anything, the part that knows without a doubt that this is not a practice life and it’s time to wake up.
I’ve been afraid.
I remember that fear from dating and early days as a coach. Gotta make a good impression, rein in my intensity, manage my enthusiasm for life so that others will feel safe and comfortable.
“Don’t give in to your fears. If you do, you won’t be able to talk to your heart.” – Paulo Coelho
Safe and comfortable.
Those words send a shiver of fear straight to my heart because I know without a doubt – that is not why I’m here.
I’ve been paralysed by that fear, that if I tell you how much I care you’ll run for the hills. Maybe you’re already thinking, just who the hell am I to want to make a difference with you? I get it, and that’s why I’ve been afraid.
To compensate, I’ve been cautious (well, except for the day I used the word fuck in the title of a post).
I have spent hours editing and rewriting my posts out of fear and caution. Hours that could have been used to write more of what I wanted to say rather than hours squandered on polishing and niceifying my work, making it…safe. Now that IS a four letter word.
It worked for awhile. I’ve gotten good feedback and comments, I’ve been feeling pretty positive. It’s all good right? Wrong. I was also starting to feel a niggling doubt, a suspicion that something was rotten in the state of Deva.
If my passion in life is to shine and help others do the same, how the hell is that going to work with me suppressing myself? OMG, the insanity of it.
That doesn’t mean what I’ve written these past four months wasn’t good or useful in some way, but in the grand scheme of things (because life is grand after all)…it was such a small part of me and what’s important.
I’ve been afraid.
My lizard brain has been on the war path:
- Why do you have to rock the boat?
- Can’t you let it be?
- Things are fine, just relax.
- Just settle down.
But the thing is, I can’t. Settle down, that is. I just can’t.
And you know what? It’s not that easy to live this way. I sometimes wish I could settle, look away, pretend I didn’t see the hurt and disempowerment in people. But I can’t.
“Find out what you’re afraid of and go live there.” – Chuck Palahniuk
So I’m turning up the heat.
I’m going to be my intense-passionate-full-on-self, in your face as if you were my best friend or treasured client and I would do anything for you. That’s what I wanted when I started writing; to have this blog be an extension of what I love about my work as a coach.
I remember saying the same things to my husband when we first met; I actually warned him about this quirky trait of mine because I thought that had more integrity than pretending to be someone I’m not and him finding out later.
So before we go any further in this relationship, I’m giving you fair notice. This is it. I’m committed and the gloves are off.
Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
OK. I consider myself warned. Bring it on, sista.
Bringing it on works both ways!
OK. I consider myself warned. Bring it on, sista.
Bringing it on works both ways!
Sandi.
IN. AWE.
And eating out of the palm of your hand. 🙂
No wonder you said you felt good; you sound like you feel incredible; you are shining in the light and on us.
With love, gratitude and my utmost respect. (And as you might have guessed, a boo and a hoo.)
xoK
P.S. For further clarification of why I feel this way, please see…your post.
P.S.S I have to say that I love both of these guys, but of the 2 quotes here, in this case I have to give it to Chuck. (Is that from Fight Club or one of his other books?)
You know I appreciate what Paulo’s saying, but you also know I’ve gotten so much closer to my heart by going straight into the arms of my “fears” (since they were birthed from my love) rather than fighting them as I had been.
And if not for my fears, I might never have met you. If only I could put into words how I feel about that.
There’s a whole lotta gratitude flowing over here Karen: for our marathon conversation, for connecting in the first place, for whatever you said to me that opened the flood gates. So, I’m going with the flow and we’ll see where that takes me!
xoS
There’s a whole lotta gratitude flowing over here Karen: for our marathon conversation, for connecting in the first place, for whatever you said to me that opened the flood gates. So, I’m going with the flow and we’ll see where that takes me!
xoS
Be afraid…be VERY afraid!
Muahahaha!
Be afraid…be VERY afraid!
Muahahaha!
You are not as scary as you think you are. Tho that could be because I think I am scarier.
You can not go wrong as long as you remain true and honest to yourself. This is your Blog. And that is what has people follow YOU.
And if they don’t….they don’t.
But for those who do, we can be certain to get Sandi and all things/thoughts Sandi.
Thank you scary Michelle 😉
I love the idea of all things/thoughts Sandi! Think I feel another post coming on.
xoS
You are not as scary as you think you are. Tho that could be because I think I am scarier.
You can not go wrong as long as you remain true and honest to yourself. This is your Blog. And that is what has people follow YOU.
And if they don’t….they don’t.
But for those who do, we can be certain to get Sandi and all things/thoughts Sandi.
Thank you scary Michelle 😉
I love the idea of all things/thoughts Sandi! Think I feel another post coming on.
xoS
Go Sandi Go! Thank you for being so transparent and sharing your journey. It’s truly inspired me to embark on my own journey of finding my inner ‘writer’ and I KNOW how hard it can be to step into the fear. The thing I loved most about you as a coach is that I could count on you to be direct with me even if I wasn’t going to like what you had to say. I knew it was coming from a place of love and that made all the difference. I can’t wait to benefit from your positively strong personality through your blog 🙂 You go girl!
I said in the post and I’ll say it again here – I love YOU! I also love how you are going for your own dream and sharing it with others. Who you are is a gift and when you share it in your own authentic way, we all benefit!
xoS
Thanks so much Sandi. Your support means a lot to me!
Go Sandi Go! Thank you for being so transparent and sharing your journey. It’s truly inspired me to embark on my own journey of finding my inner ‘writer’ and I KNOW how hard it can be to step into the fear. The thing I loved most about you as a coach is that I could count on you to be direct with me even if I wasn’t going to like what you had to say. I knew it was coming from a place of love and that made all the difference. I can’t wait to benefit from your positively strong personality through your blog 🙂 You go girl!
I said in the post and I’ll say it again here – I love YOU! I also love how you are going for your own dream and sharing it with others. Who you are is a gift and when you share it in your own authentic way, we all benefit!
xoS
Thanks so much Sandi. Your support means a lot to me!
Wonderfully said – YES!
That’s a big ol’ YES that makes me smile. Thanks Mary Jo!
Wonderfully said – YES!
That’s a big ol’ YES that makes me smile. Thanks Mary Jo!
Watch out girl, you’ve set yourself up now! In any case, I always look forward to hearing from you.
The combination of being full frontal and having an open mind is a nice one.
Fully frontal? Yikes! Did I set myself up for that one? LOL
Being open and transparent works for me everywhere else in life, so why not here on the blog.
BTW, loved the Love Letter.
xoS
Well.. you know… metaphorically speaking. Don’t want to have to ask people’s age before they get into your blog.
Watch out girl, you’ve set yourself up now! In any case, I always look forward to hearing from you.
The combination of being full frontal and having an open mind is a nice one.
Fully frontal? Yikes! Did I set myself up for that one? LOL
Being open and transparent works for me everywhere else in life, so why not here on the blog.
BTW, loved the Love Letter.
xoS
Well.. you know… metaphorically speaking. Don’t want to have to ask people’s age before they get into your blog.
Awesome. A woman who will BRING IT!
In the words of Apollo Creed :
“Ding. Ding.”
Haha! You’ll be bringing it right along with me Kelly. Buckle your seatbelt sister, your dream is calling!
Awesome. A woman who will BRING IT!
In the words of Apollo Creed :
“Ding. Ding.”
Haha! You’ll be bringing it right along with me Kelly. Buckle your seatbelt sister, your dream is calling!
That was AWESOME!!
I totally get what you are saying because I do it, too. Where I hold back and get afraid is the things I am passionate about that I’m afraid will seem too far out there. That’s where I make nice!
Healing, spirituality, earth-centered connection, etc. I’ve been nudging myself a bit on this, and been trying at least, to be more genuine, stepping a little from behind the teacher’s podium. But I still hold back more than I should.
Hopefully, your words will remind me of the path I’m on and I’ll go back to my commitment for this year: 100% me, 100% of the time!
Thanks!
Jeanine
Jeanine,
I love your reply and feel the energy behind your commitment! Awesome. And you’re right; it is a path and it’s one step in front of the other. I forget that sometimes and need reminders myself.
We’re in this together.
That was AWESOME!!
I totally get what you are saying because I do it, too. Where I hold back and get afraid is the things I am passionate about that I’m afraid will seem too far out there. That’s where I make nice!
Healing, spirituality, earth-centered connection, etc. I’ve been nudging myself a bit on this, and been trying at least, to be more genuine, stepping a little from behind the teacher’s podium. But I still hold back more than I should.
Hopefully, your words will remind me of the path I’m on and I’ll go back to my commitment for this year: 100% me, 100% of the time!
Thanks!
Jeanine
Jeanine,
I love your reply and feel the energy behind your commitment! Awesome. And you’re right; it is a path and it’s one step in front of the other. I forget that sometimes and need reminders myself.
We’re in this together.
Bring it! You rock my sox. Can’t wait to see what you really have to say!
hehehe, aren’t you even just a teeny bit afraid? LOL
Bring it! You rock my sox. Can’t wait to see what you really have to say!
hehehe, aren’t you even just a teeny bit afraid? LOL
oh, I totally resontate with this. The “Professional You” and all the crap that goes with that, and what a speed bump that can be on the road of authenticity (not “to”, note).
I also get the “too” stuff — too much, too intense, too excitable, too chatty, too emotional. Those of us who have felt “too” much of our lives are probably seeing you as some kind of trail blazer. (“now, if she doesn’t self combust… mayve I’ll try it, too…Maybe”).
Also intriguing about the ‘gloves are off’ analogy…. my Canadian husband would tell me that’s a term used in ice hockey, when a fight breaks out.
Hey Jill,
I had no idea where “the gloves are off” came from, but I am Canadian! Thanks for the words of support; it was challenging to write and freeing to release. I know you know what I mean!
I think us “too much” gals have to stick together.
xoS
oh yes, I’m all for sticking together. My girlfriend in Philadelphia just emailed me this morning – she had an attack of the “too muchness” last night and was feeling very heavy hearted… one of the things that she said made her feel that way was… feeling isolated. I have forwarded her this post! There’s HEAPS of us!!
And yeah, hubby says that ‘gloves are off’ is indeed an ice hockey thing. Ice hockey gloves are quite hard, and can cause a lot of damage – so it’s not just the power of the hit, but the material of the glove that wounds. So, the ‘gloves come off’ so that the fight is fairer. They can whack each other around with bare hands. Gotta love ice hockey!
oh, I totally resontate with this. The “Professional You” and all the crap that goes with that, and what a speed bump that can be on the road of authenticity (not “to”, note).
I also get the “too” stuff — too much, too intense, too excitable, too chatty, too emotional. Those of us who have felt “too” much of our lives are probably seeing you as some kind of trail blazer. (“now, if she doesn’t self combust… mayve I’ll try it, too…Maybe”).
Also intriguing about the ‘gloves are off’ analogy…. my Canadian husband would tell me that’s a term used in ice hockey, when a fight breaks out.
Hey Jill,
I had no idea where “the gloves are off” came from, but I am Canadian! Thanks for the words of support; it was challenging to write and freeing to release. I know you know what I mean!
I think us “too much” gals have to stick together.
xoS
oh yes, I’m all for sticking together. My girlfriend in Philadelphia just emailed me this morning – she had an attack of the “too muchness” last night and was feeling very heavy hearted… one of the things that she said made her feel that way was… feeling isolated. I have forwarded her this post! There’s HEAPS of us!!
And yeah, hubby says that ‘gloves are off’ is indeed an ice hockey thing. Ice hockey gloves are quite hard, and can cause a lot of damage – so it’s not just the power of the hit, but the material of the glove that wounds. So, the ‘gloves come off’ so that the fight is fairer. They can whack each other around with bare hands. Gotta love ice hockey!
You are awesome. It is never easy to give your total self to something, because most of us worry and fear and doubt. You go girl! If you are not your real self, the rest of us will miss out. 🙂
Barb,
What would happen if we gave up worry and fear and doubt? Let’s explore that together!
You are awesome. It is never easy to give your total self to something, because most of us worry and fear and doubt. You go girl! If you are not your real self, the rest of us will miss out. 🙂
Barb,
What would happen if we gave up worry and fear and doubt? Let’s explore that together!
WOW – bring it on!!!
So well put and now I want to do the same – THANK YOU!!!!
Love MT
I’ll bring it on and would hope you would do the same, so I’m glad you said so already! Wouldn’t be where I am without you.
xoS
Bring it on!!! Intensity and passion are things to be respected, not feared! If they can’t take the heat, what are they doing talking to a Deva?
I do believe we’re speaking the same language!
Mille grazie
Bring it on!!! Intensity and passion are things to be respected, not feared! If they can’t take the heat, what are they doing talking to a Deva?
I do believe we’re speaking the same language!
Mille grazie
Love you! Love your blog! Bring it on. Coral
Wow, I’m feeling the love. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
xoS
Love you! Love your blog! Bring it on. Coral
Wow, I’m feeling the love. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
xoS
I’ll bring it on and would hope you would do the same, so I’m glad you said so already! Wouldn’t be where I am without you.
xoS
Fantastic! I agree, when you are yourself and don’t hold back…you offer more and people really relate a whole lot more! I consider myself warned and look forward to hearing and learning more form you. This is quite the inspiring post and causes me to think about what I’m afraid of…
Thanks Melissa. I look forward to connecting further!
Fantastic! I agree, when you are yourself and don’t hold back…you offer more and people really relate a whole lot more! I consider myself warned and look forward to hearing and learning more form you. This is quite the inspiring post and causes me to think about what I’m afraid of…
Thanks Melissa. I look forward to connecting further!
We’re all fighting for life and love–and acceptance. This is a wonderful piece, really. Just when your gloves came off I thought of this from Paul Simon’s The Boxer:
In the clearing stands a boxer, and a fighter by his trade/And he carries the reminder of every glove that laid him down and cut him/’Til he cried out in his anger and his shame/I am leaving, I am leaving, but the fighter still remains.
You’ve found your place, Sandi. I hope you stick around a long time so I can follow your work.
Best to you,
Shelly
(aka: 31dbbb-er)
Thanks so much Shelly; read your comment after being offline the past 24 hours and you totally made my day.
We’re all fighting for life and love–and acceptance. This is a wonderful piece, really. Just when your gloves came off I thought of this from Paul Simon’s The Boxer:
In the clearing stands a boxer, and a fighter by his trade/And he carries the reminder of every glove that laid him down and cut him/’Til he cried out in his anger and his shame/I am leaving, I am leaving, but the fighter still remains.
You’ve found your place, Sandi. I hope you stick around a long time so I can follow your work.
Best to you,
Shelly
(aka: 31dbbb-er)
Thanks so much Shelly; read your comment after being offline the past 24 hours and you totally made my day.
This is the Sandi I know and love! YOU are magical! <3
Says the wizard herself!
xoS
This is the Sandi I know and love! YOU are magical! <3
Says the wizard herself!
xoS
In writing my blog? I very quickly discovered that the only way I know how to do this thing? Is my way.
And there are so many other voices who have chimed in with advice about how my way is not the right way. That I need to be softer, calmer, more polite, more respectful, more ladylike, more momlike, more . . . something else.
Happy sighs that I have ignored all of these people.
Because regardless of who reads my writing?
I write first for me.
And some future version of my daughters.
And for the three of us?
I will be fully me.
All the time.
So go and do.
Be you.
Yes.