Today was one of those days; an emotional roller coaster kind of day. Yes, coaches have those days too and yes, I still beat myself up about it.
I’m human you see. And truth be told, I’m a wee bit arrogant (I can’t help it I’m an Aries) and this lead to buying into my own story.
After years of education and training, personal development work, numerous courses, programs, CDs, books and thousands of dollars, I really believed. . .
wait for it. . .
that my life should be handled by now. The roller coaster should have morphed into a journey of smooth sailing.
Did you catch the two “shoulds”?
If I was coaching myself I’d have to kick my own butt now because it’s totally common knowledge that “shoulding” on yourself is undesirable behaviour.
But I digress. . .
Even though I had a happy childhood, I still have parts of myself that are healing (normal life stuff, nothing traumatic). In fact, I recently reconnected with a very specific part: my-12-year-self. A part who has longed for attention, acknowledgement and appreciation for a very long time.
If I tell you she shows up a lot in my relationships would you be surprised? I thought not.
This is a photo of me around 12 years old (forgive the blurry photo; this was the 70’s – remember film?).
I had begged my mom to let me play baseball that year. She was worried I’d get hurt (I was the “smart one” not the “athletic one”) but I must have pleaded long enough that she gave in. Two or three games into the season I broke two fingers and that was the end of that.
So, just for a moment imagine my-12-year-self (insert your version here) longing for attention, acknowledgement and appreciation (insert your own needs here).
This incident caused the following:
- I got the wrong kind of attention (concern and worry)
- I was acknowledged for being a klutz, and
- Appreciation was non-existent from my team mates.
What’s a 12-year-self to do?
Suppress it. Rationalize (I’m still the smart one) and I don’t really need it/you anyway! What was already well defined independance became a formula that would serve me to this day.
My point here?
We all have these parts, seemingly suppressed, but still managing to hi-jack the smooth sailing of life, turning it into a funhouse of emotions. What an image – but isn’t it kind of like that some days?
Fast forward back to today. I’m no longer that 12-year-self; I’m a professional woman, I look like I’ve got it all together and yet…something happens and I’m right back in the emotion of that failure, but thinking it has something to do with what’s happening in the present.
News flash: It’s never the “thing” going on in the present.
When there’s an emotional upset we’re pretty much hard-wired to the past, an imcompletion or a wound that’s wanting to be healed. Sigh.
So there we are with all our parts, and here’s where the story starts to feel good again. Those parts, as hurt and long-suffering as they may be (like my-12-year-self), all want something positive for us – they just don’t know how to get our attention any other way and like a youngster, they act up!
This might look like: drama, limiting beliefs, negative behaviour and lots of negative chatter. Familiar stuff right, but what do we do about it?
Here’s our access:
Close your eyes. Get in touch with that part of you and notice where you feel it in your body. Now as if you could, ask it what it wants for you.
Sounds crazy I know; trust me and ask anyway. As woowoo as this may seem, I’ve never had a client not hear a response and I can say the same for myself.
Me: What do you want for me that’s positive?
My-12-year-self: Is it so wrong to want attention, appreciation and acknowledgement?
Me: No, but that’s not what I asked. What do you want for me that’s positive?
My-12-year-self: It doesn’t feel safe to say it; people might get upset.
Me: Go ahead and say it anyway. You’re safe with me.
My-12-year-self: I want to feel loved. OMG, this is so embarrassing. Everybody knows I’m strong and smart. I can’t believe I just said that.
Me: You want to feel loved. Thanks for sharing that. How would you know you were loved?
My-12-year-self: Hmm, never thought of that. I think my brain would feel peaceful – how weird. Like maybe all that chatter in there would get quiet. That would be awesome. I like when it’s quiet.
Me: What are some ways you/we could do that now?
My-12-year-self: I like how it feels when I day dream…
As I began to let myself feel the hurt and emotion of my-12-year-self, I could see that all she ever wanted was to feel loved and that had to start with loving herself. In spite of the fact that she couldn’t play baseball and loved books more than sports, she was amazing. Especially when she allowed her mind to wander and dream of the future.
I suddenly felt such compassion, and the upset that happened earlier in the day began to fade away as I realized the solution or rather the healing, was over here with me. It had nothing to do with the incident. There was nothing external that had to happen for me to feel better.
It was an opportunity and I could reach out with those 12 year old hands, broken fingers and all, and give myself what I needed and wanted all along:
- Attention: I love when my drama queen stirs things up
- Acknowledgement: I am so creative; maybe I’ll be a writer some day
- Appreciation: I love that I’m smart and a keener and love learning!
And now, my 12 year old self is out buying everyone ice cream to celebrate!
I recently visited my younger while reading through my old diaries, I wrote a post about it! It is so true that the little girl in us is not gone. She’s still there and any of her unresolved issues are still waiting for the big girl in us to help out.
I also wrote a post on my life as a rollar coaster. Hmmm..on we on the same mind path?
This was a beautifully written and honest post! Congratulations on being Blog O’ the Day!
You’re right Barb; those parts of ourselves are not gone. If I reframe it again, they’re there waiting for triggers and/or opportunities to heal. The adult self may not necessarily appreciate that in the moment of upset, but I believe it to be true.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts, as well as the path.
I recently visited my younger while reading through my old diaries, I wrote a post about it! It is so true that the little girl in us is not gone. She’s still there and any of her unresolved issues are still waiting for the big girl in us to help out.
I also wrote a post on my life as a rollar coaster. Hmmm..on we on the same mind path?
This was a beautifully written and honest post! Congratulations on being Blog O’ the Day!
You’re right Barb; those parts of ourselves are not gone. If I reframe it again, they’re there waiting for triggers and/or opportunities to heal. The adult self may not necessarily appreciate that in the moment of upset, but I believe it to be true.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts, as well as the path.
Thanks Sandi – I will try asking that part of myself next time. The funny thing is, when I get emotional I can feel it in my body, like a soft bittersweet ache, sometimes in the center of my palms. At least I know where to look!
Awesome read. I have particular fondness for my 12 year old self… it’s the end of childhood more or less, before the hormones kick in and life gets crazy.
I used to get so infatuated with stuff 🙂
Thanks again for a heartwarming read.
The body doesn’t lie and yet we ignore its messages so often. The more we can notice – isn’t awareness always the first step? – the more we can accept the information (the gift) of the feeling and begin the healing process.
Imagine our two 12 year old selves hangin’ out. Just don’t make me play baseball 😉
Thanks Sandi – I will try asking that part of myself next time. The funny thing is, when I get emotional I can feel it in my body, like a soft bittersweet ache, sometimes in the center of my palms. At least I know where to look!
Awesome read. I have particular fondness for my 12 year old self… it’s the end of childhood more or less, before the hormones kick in and life gets crazy.
I used to get so infatuated with stuff 🙂
Thanks again for a heartwarming read.
The body doesn’t lie and yet we ignore its messages so often. The more we can notice – isn’t awareness always the first step? – the more we can accept the information (the gift) of the feeling and begin the healing process.
Imagine our two 12 year old selves hangin’ out. Just don’t make me play baseball 😉
Sandi,
Congratulations on being the SITS Blog of the Day! Well-deserved indeed! Here’s my response inspired by your post (from one Aries to another!):
Life is sometimes up,
And sometimes it’s down.
The key is to smile,
And let go of the frown.
Our days aren’t always smooth,
But it’s not about the “should,”
It’s more about what I am,
And not, “I wish I could…”
So let’s release our past,
And it’s negative emotions.
And we’ll focus on the good.
There are no magic potions!
Give yourself the three A’s:
Attention, Acknowledgment, Appreciation.
The answer is right inside of you!
Yes, you have the solution!
Thanks for sharing and for the inspiration, Sandi!
From one Aries to another, thanks for the good vibes!
Sandi,
Congratulations on being the SITS Blog of the Day! Well-deserved indeed! Here’s my response inspired by your post (from one Aries to another!):
Life is sometimes up,
And sometimes it’s down.
The key is to smile,
And let go of the frown.
Our days aren’t always smooth,
But it’s not about the “should,”
It’s more about what I am,
And not, “I wish I could…”
So let’s release our past,
And it’s negative emotions.
And we’ll focus on the good.
There are no magic potions!
Give yourself the three A’s:
Attention, Acknowledgment, Appreciation.
The answer is right inside of you!
Yes, you have the solution!
Thanks for sharing and for the inspiration, Sandi!
From one Aries to another, thanks for the good vibes!
Wow.
I just came back from a visit with Family. In Particular my only Aunt (also my Godmother). It has been 7 years since I visited, and we talked a lot about both her and my perspective’s.
Interesting to revisit the past as an adult.
Thank God for all the work I have done, as I was able to see her opinions, as just that, opinions and a point of view. I was able to let her share what she remembers, without making her wrong, or correcting what I know to be right…in the long run it does not really matter.
What matter’s was her concern and love for me. And to set her free from some guilt she felt from when I was 12, and that she was not as available to me.
To let her know that what I wanted and needed at that time was not from her , but from my Mom.
I did not realize the extent to which she felt responsible for me.
Oh the stories…..
Michelle
Hmm, starting to get a sense of the vulnerability of our 12 year old selves. We all have our stories; thing is that sometimes even with all the “work”, the unfinished business from the past sneaks in. I know this was another cut at this realization for me.
Wow.
I just came back from a visit with Family. In Particular my only Aunt (also my Godmother). It has been 7 years since I visited, and we talked a lot about both her and my perspective’s.
Interesting to revisit the past as an adult.
Thank God for all the work I have done, as I was able to see her opinions, as just that, opinions and a point of view. I was able to let her share what she remembers, without making her wrong, or correcting what I know to be right…in the long run it does not really matter.
What matter’s was her concern and love for me. And to set her free from some guilt she felt from when I was 12, and that she was not as available to me.
To let her know that what I wanted and needed at that time was not from her , but from my Mom.
I did not realize the extent to which she felt responsible for me.
Oh the stories…..
Michelle
Hmm, starting to get a sense of the vulnerability of our 12 year old selves. We all have our stories; thing is that sometimes even with all the “work”, the unfinished business from the past sneaks in. I know this was another cut at this realization for me.
OMG YOUR ARE INSIDE MY HEAD! The 12 year old girl in me is reaching out to… J/K. This was a very insightful piece of work you did. Everyone has a part of their youth that they flash back to and I am no exception. Those are the events that helped shape who we have become. Some were happy, some sad. Some might want a “do over”, to change what happened to them. But, if you could, would you really do it? There’s no guarantee you would like the outcome.
No, I wouldn’t want a do-over because all the events from my past have made me who I am and I like that. Getting the learning from those events for the purpose of moving on is a whole other matter. That’s what I want more of!
The only thing I would do-over is kickin’ a boy named Roger’s butt around the same age. Next time, I wouldn’t get caught 😉
OMG YOUR ARE INSIDE MY HEAD! The 12 year old girl in me is reaching out to… J/K. This was a very insightful piece of work you did. Everyone has a part of their youth that they flash back to and I am no exception. Those are the events that helped shape who we have become. Some were happy, some sad. Some might want a “do over”, to change what happened to them. But, if you could, would you really do it? There’s no guarantee you would like the outcome.
No, I wouldn’t want a do-over because all the events from my past have made me who I am and I like that. Getting the learning from those events for the purpose of moving on is a whole other matter. That’s what I want more of!
The only thing I would do-over is kickin’ a boy named Roger’s butt around the same age. Next time, I wouldn’t get caught 😉
I often engage in the exercise of speaking to my younger self, and it gives me such great insight into what has led me to where I am now. Your posts are always so insightful; I larn so much every time I visit. It’s serendipity that iw as introduced to your amazing blog!
Serendipity…such a great word. Speaking to our younger selves is such an opportunity! I love to hear feedback like yours; it fires up my desire to keep doing this work. Thanks so much Serenity.
I often engage in the exercise of speaking to my younger self, and it gives me such great insight into what has led me to where I am now. Your posts are always so insightful; I larn so much every time I visit. It’s serendipity that iw as introduced to your amazing blog!
Serendipity…such a great word. Speaking to our younger selves is such an opportunity! I love to hear feedback like yours; it fires up my desire to keep doing this work. Thanks so much Serenity.
That was so lovely! What an exercise. I totally found myself talking to my 12-year-old me, too. (And realized there’s a LOT that needs to be discussed with her.)
I love that you said “woowoo,” too. Haha. It’s my favorite nonword. Mainly because I’m a woowoo.
Thanks for all the encouragement!
All the new-agey stuff out there has given woowoo a bad name; a lot of it really works – we just can’t always explain it!
Have fun talking to and learning from you own 12 year old self. She’s amazing too.
That was so lovely! What an exercise. I totally found myself talking to my 12-year-old me, too. (And realized there’s a LOT that needs to be discussed with her.)
I love that you said “woowoo,” too. Haha. It’s my favorite nonword. Mainly because I’m a woowoo.
Thanks for all the encouragement!
All the new-agey stuff out there has given woowoo a bad name; a lot of it really works – we just can’t always explain it!
Have fun talking to and learning from you own 12 year old self. She’s amazing too.
This was great! I too get a “shouldy” attitude. I like how you went through the three A’s as well. I’m not at a point to take on the 12 year old in me, but it’s on my list. 🙂
She’s in there waiting Alana and she’s got a gift for you. Banishing those “shoulds” is an ongoing challenge!
This was great! I too get a “shouldy” attitude. I like how you went through the three A’s as well. I’m not at a point to take on the 12 year old in me, but it’s on my list. 🙂
She’s in there waiting Alana and she’s got a gift for you. Banishing those “shoulds” is an ongoing challenge!
I can so relate to this post. I’m an Aries and was always a reader and dreamer, not a sports person. I’ve been journaling with my inner child and amazed at what is coming up. I will remember the 3 As. Thanks for the post.
Shawna,
So glad we’re not on this journey alone. Thanks for your thoughts.
I can so relate to this post. I’m an Aries and was always a reader and dreamer, not a sports person. I’ve been journaling with my inner child and amazed at what is coming up. I will remember the 3 As. Thanks for the post.
Shawna,
So glad we’re not on this journey alone. Thanks for your thoughts.
You should see the Lizzy’s faces. They love this kind of attention. Even though you weren’t talking directly to them, they love anything that speaks to their heart’s desire and life’s *work*- that our entire selves are appreciated and cared for.
A lizard swooning, a sight to see.
We are all so much more alike than we are different; it’s amazing to think that we are all doing everything we do for the exact same reason – to be loved.
(How did you know I was going to ask you about the shoulds on your buts? Good catch, Coach!)
Thanks for putting yourself out there. Your now year-old and your 12 yr-old
have a lot to be proud of.
We’re all doing the best we can – me, LB, Medusa, my 12 year old self – who’s going to show up next? It’s getting a little crowded in here!
We’re all doing the best we can – me, LB, Medusa, my 12 year old self – who’s going to show up next? It’s getting a little crowded in here!
This is an awesome post to reflect on on a lazy Sunday morning. Sundays make me think of my childhood – that second and last day of the weekend and the foreboding feeling of school tomorrow. I have so much to tell my 12-year old self, and I think I’ll spend a little time doing that today! Thanks for opening that door, Sandi. Love Rachel x
Have fun with her Rachel; she’s been waiting for you!
xoS
This is an awesome post to reflect on on a lazy Sunday morning. Sundays make me think of my childhood – that second and last day of the weekend and the foreboding feeling of school tomorrow. I have so much to tell my 12-year old self, and I think I’ll spend a little time doing that today! Thanks for opening that door, Sandi. Love Rachel x
Have fun with her Rachel; she’s been waiting for you!
xoS
Great post, I was inspired after I read it to dig out some old photos. I posted a few up on facebook and my sisters and I have been laughing over them. It’s good to go back in time sometimes and re-connect. Thank you.
Similar experience after my mom and my sister read the post! Different memories of that time and the insight that they had no idea I felt that way. I got that my 12 year old self was pretty good at looking strong and protecting her vulnerable part!
Great post, I was inspired after I read it to dig out some old photos. I posted a few up on facebook and my sisters and I have been laughing over them. It’s good to go back in time sometimes and re-connect. Thank you.
Similar experience after my mom and my sister read the post! Different memories of that time and the insight that they had no idea I felt that way. I got that my 12 year old self was pretty good at looking strong and protecting her vulnerable part!
I am so glad I read this post today, it was like therapy. I’m having one of those emotional roller coaster days as well. Thanks to arguments, unkind words, and difficult situations. Life is never easy, we’re never going to have all good days. I guess it’s time I look inside and figure out why I am so sensitive, emotional, and unable to let certain things go. So glad you found my blog and I was led to yours.
Lucy,
I think part of the reason I became a coach was to learn these tools as much for myself as for clients. I also have to remind myself that life is never “handled”. For me, the roller coaster is a perfect analogy – the highs and lows, the fear and excitement, the rush of energy (I know it doesn’t work for everyone)- that describes life in all its glory and messiness. Maybe our 12 year olds could hang out together and commiserate and play!
I am so glad I read this post today, it was like therapy. I’m having one of those emotional roller coaster days as well. Thanks to arguments, unkind words, and difficult situations. Life is never easy, we’re never going to have all good days. I guess it’s time I look inside and figure out why I am so sensitive, emotional, and unable to let certain things go. So glad you found my blog and I was led to yours.
Lucy,
I think part of the reason I became a coach was to learn these tools as much for myself as for clients. I also have to remind myself that life is never “handled”. For me, the roller coaster is a perfect analogy – the highs and lows, the fear and excitement, the rush of energy (I know it doesn’t work for everyone)- that describes life in all its glory and messiness. Maybe our 12 year olds could hang out together and commiserate and play!
Wow. This is truly interesting. Although that word doesn’t really seem to encompass what I felt reading it. A few months ago I went to see a hypnotist and he did some regression therapy/hypnosis. We “talked” to 10 year old me. She was angry and scared (we moved cities) and feeling completely incapable of handling life.
Your post really hits it on the head. It’s rarely about now.
I also wonder why – at 42 – my life isn’t “handled”. Embracing the journey and the mess is a daily challenge. 🙂
But we are totally up for it.
Congrats on Blog of the DAy!
Came over from #31DBBB
Cate
It IS interesting Cate! I often lose track of time wondering about the intricacies of being human. Thank you for sharing your experience. I believe the more we can share and connect with others the less there is to “handle”.
Wow. This is truly interesting. Although that word doesn’t really seem to encompass what I felt reading it. A few months ago I went to see a hypnotist and he did some regression therapy/hypnosis. We “talked” to 10 year old me. She was angry and scared (we moved cities) and feeling completely incapable of handling life.
Your post really hits it on the head. It’s rarely about now.
I also wonder why – at 42 – my life isn’t “handled”. Embracing the journey and the mess is a daily challenge. 🙂
But we are totally up for it.
Congrats on Blog of the DAy!
Came over from #31DBBB
Cate
It IS interesting Cate! I often lose track of time wondering about the intricacies of being human. Thank you for sharing your experience. I believe the more we can share and connect with others the less there is to “handle”.